I'm old.
You're probably laughing - if you know me.
October 2008 came and went. And with it my 30th birthday.
Which, I grant you, does not put me on the list for AARP or social security or Depends.
But it's official.
You wanna know how I know?
I'll tell you.
Do you remember listening to an elder - a grandparent, aunt, uncle, family friend who was long in the tooth? They had seen it all. And they weren't afraid to tell you about it. Truth be told, when you look back, you relish in their wisdom and their ability to adapt and change to the changing times. But when you were a kid that didn't mean you didn't roll your eyes when they would settle into their chair, let out a loooong sigh, possibly hike up their polyester pants (or maybe even undo their belt) and regail you with how "things used to be".
Well it shames me to admit it, but I have turned in to that person. And it hit me last weekend like a brick in the head. Rav & I were on our way home from my dad's house. It was a celebration of sorts - more on that another time. It was a beautiful, bright sunny Sunday and I decided to take the country road home. I used to drive that country road with my dad to get to The Farm or to take a ride - just the two of us. On certain Spring days, the air will smell sweet and clean and it will take me down that country road in my mind. I will remember snippets of conversation my dad & I had when traveling that road. It's peaceful and beautiful and one part of Delaware that had remained untouched by the sprawl that the (then)booming banking industry inflicted on other open fields in our state.
I haven't taken a Sunday drive (see, right there? That in of itself makes me old) on that country road in years. Quite frankly, it has been too painful. After The Farm was sold, I couldn't bear to drive it. It was just too raw. But I decided that day that it was time. The kids fell asleep as I drove at nice pace, windows open. The slight breeze would blow their hair and I sighed. Yes. I thought to myself. Yes. This was a good idea. Eventually Rav even fell asleep and I was left alone with the air and my memories as I drove.
Then it happened. And there they were. On either side of the road were sprawling neighborhoods filled with cookie cutter homes. No trees. And filling up fields that once went on as far as the eye could see. It turned my stomach. Literally. I let out a cry in horror. It was loud enough that it awoke my peaceful napping husband. He startled awake, looking back and forth, "Wha-, Wha-.....What?? What's going on?" He managed to sputter out. "LOOK AT THAT! DO YOU SEE IT? ISN'T THIS HORRIBLE?" He grumbled and fell back asleep. He left me alone to have a conversation with myself about how "that field right.there. was where there once was a family farm. See where that neighborhood is??? Yeah. There used to be a horse farm THERE." This went on and on inside my head. And that was when it hit me. That I was old. That I am 30 years old and cannot bear to see change. I cannot bear to see change when it turns farmland into sprawling, overcrowded neighborhoods full of McMansions on teeny-tiny plots of "yard". It's almost more than I can bear.
I realized that my delusions of change creeping everywhere else but that country road are just that. Delusions. I realized that my home state is turning into one big, sprawling neighborhood.
Most of all. I realized I am aging. And that I am slowly becoming that person I used to roll my eyes at. And the most I can hope for is that I learn to adapt and change along with it.
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
4/5/09
3/25/09
Should I?
I miss this. I miss writing. I miss sharing. I miss your voices and I miss my Sunday posts.
Should I start over again here or somewhere else??
Should I start over again here or somewhere else??
12/3/07
The End or Simply The Beginning
Wow.
Wow.
I can't believe how I have fallen off here.
Fallen off of reading.
Fallen off of writing.
I recently heard myself saying to myself that there simply just isn't enough time.
But myself said back to myself that this is simply an excuse.
That if I really wanted to, I would find a way.
I don't want this to end.
But I don't have anything right now.
So I think a hiatus is in order.
Next week is my last class and the holidays are approaching (who would have noticed? like you need me to point that out!) and I will be on vaca from my little munchkins at the preschool.
Big things have been brewing with me on a spiritual level.
It is something so big I need time to reflect upon it.
This silence of mine has been purely mindful, somewhat meditative, and mostly reflective.
I've been thinking of you all and sending thoughts to you all out into the cosmos and hope that they make their way to you.
I think I may take this time to silence this here space and read what you all have to say.
As I have missed so much.
I may post a song or two.
Maybe a quote or a quick little story.
Otherwise I am silent and will let it flow when it is ready to flow again.
'Til then.
I'll see you.
Wow.
I can't believe how I have fallen off here.
Fallen off of reading.
Fallen off of writing.
I recently heard myself saying to myself that there simply just isn't enough time.
But myself said back to myself that this is simply an excuse.
That if I really wanted to, I would find a way.
I don't want this to end.
But I don't have anything right now.
So I think a hiatus is in order.
Next week is my last class and the holidays are approaching (who would have noticed? like you need me to point that out!) and I will be on vaca from my little munchkins at the preschool.
Big things have been brewing with me on a spiritual level.
It is something so big I need time to reflect upon it.
This silence of mine has been purely mindful, somewhat meditative, and mostly reflective.
I've been thinking of you all and sending thoughts to you all out into the cosmos and hope that they make their way to you.
I think I may take this time to silence this here space and read what you all have to say.
As I have missed so much.
I may post a song or two.
Maybe a quote or a quick little story.
Otherwise I am silent and will let it flow when it is ready to flow again.
'Til then.
I'll see you.
9/24/07
29er-Ish
In approximately two weeks, my calendar will turn yet again.
With that approach, I will be hitting my third decade. I will teeter there and wait for three-oh to grab hold.
(Oh, shush. I know you're all rolling your eyes at me. I know that I'm the baby of the "group".)
I feel that as such, this marks the end of something.
And not necessarily in a bad way.
But it definitely has the closing of a chapter feel.
And because of this, I have decided
A) that I need to celebrate this birthday - as I usually don't celebrate myself on my birthday.
and
B) I have been doing more introspection and self-evaluation than I normally do. (which means I've been doing A LOT).
I've been thinking about all that has been wrapped up, accomplished, discovered, and experienced in these two decades.
The roads have been rough, meandering.
Making their way to smoother, more purposeful ones.
I have found pieces of myself that I had thought were long gone and had become useless litter that lined my road.
I have learned how to (more) easily identify that meaningful "litter" that I discarded without knowing any better and the "litter" that is simply just that...trash.
Whether that be unhealthy people, habits, or mindsets.
I have become much more comfortable with this personality of mine, this essence that spans more than the (almost) three decades.
For it reaches much farther back.
It resides in the 1940's.
Completely skips over the 1950's.
And picks back up again in the late 60's-early 70's.
I was born before my time - if that makes any sense.
I'm simply an old soul.
And I've come to accept that as OK.
It's OK that I may be the only 20-something who watched Are You Being Served? and Laugh-In (on Nick-at-Nite with Three Dog Night Dad & Eileen) growing up.
It's totally rockin'(I think)that I get goosebumps when I see 40's era cars, clothing, and hear 40's era music.
Which brings me to the next...
I've embraced my inner geek.
And that's all I have to say on that.
These things I've listed above have always been a part of me.
But this year.
This year
I've grown into them.
They fit now.
I'm much more OK with me than I was ever before.
Not to say that there isn't more work to be done.
I'm still struggling with things.
There is still so much left to do, left to learn, left to explore.
There are inner boundaries that I want to push just a bit farther.
With all of these inner victories that I have won this year
it does make me eager to see what the year between
29 and 30 will bring.
With that approach, I will be hitting my third decade. I will teeter there and wait for three-oh to grab hold.
(Oh, shush. I know you're all rolling your eyes at me. I know that I'm the baby of the "group".)
I feel that as such, this marks the end of something.
And not necessarily in a bad way.
But it definitely has the closing of a chapter feel.
And because of this, I have decided
A) that I need to celebrate this birthday - as I usually don't celebrate myself on my birthday.
and
B) I have been doing more introspection and self-evaluation than I normally do. (which means I've been doing A LOT).
I've been thinking about all that has been wrapped up, accomplished, discovered, and experienced in these two decades.
The roads have been rough, meandering.
Making their way to smoother, more purposeful ones.
I have found pieces of myself that I had thought were long gone and had become useless litter that lined my road.
I have learned how to (more) easily identify that meaningful "litter" that I discarded without knowing any better and the "litter" that is simply just that...trash.
Whether that be unhealthy people, habits, or mindsets.
I have become much more comfortable with this personality of mine, this essence that spans more than the (almost) three decades.
For it reaches much farther back.
It resides in the 1940's.
Completely skips over the 1950's.
And picks back up again in the late 60's-early 70's.
I was born before my time - if that makes any sense.
I'm simply an old soul.
And I've come to accept that as OK.
It's OK that I may be the only 20-something who watched Are You Being Served? and Laugh-In (on Nick-at-Nite with Three Dog Night Dad & Eileen) growing up.
It's totally rockin'(I think)that I get goosebumps when I see 40's era cars, clothing, and hear 40's era music.
Which brings me to the next...
I've embraced my inner geek.
And that's all I have to say on that.
These things I've listed above have always been a part of me.
But this year.
This year
I've grown into them.
They fit now.
I'm much more OK with me than I was ever before.
Not to say that there isn't more work to be done.
I'm still struggling with things.
There is still so much left to do, left to learn, left to explore.
There are inner boundaries that I want to push just a bit farther.
With all of these inner victories that I have won this year
it does make me eager to see what the year between
29 and 30 will bring.
8/18/07
Just Thinking About The Weather
I'd say that I'm pretty in-tune to my surroundings.
And my senses have been operating at a heightened awareness lately.
I'm not really sure what that is all about.
Yesterday, for instance, I was driving home in the Rover with the kids and had the windows down. And next to us in the fast lane were two tractor trailer trucks. And the noise that the trucks issued was almost more than I could take. In fact, I thought my eardrums would burst and my head were about to explode.
Maybe it's the sign of growing older, maybe it's just this heightened awareness.
I'm not sure.
But I think it's my senses.
Usually I can feel things, sense things around me.
Often I know what is going to happen before it does.
Sometimes there is just a vibration or something that I can just pick up on.
This morning I've woken up to a drastic change in the weather/air here.
Rather than it being 80 degrees at 8:00 in the morning with 95% humidity, it's more like 60 something degrees and not one ounce of humidity.
There is certainly a fall feel to the air.
I want to run out right now and buy Connor a bunch of school clothes.
It just has that feel.
As the pot brewed it's coffee, I turned off the air conditioner and threw open all of the windows.
A slight breeze pushes it's way through the screen and makes itself known across my skin.
And it feels wonderful.
I'm not delusional.
I know that August is not quite done with us and will probably find the time to beat us with high temps and high humidity.
But I feel a break.
A release of something with this new breathe-able air.
Next week, Connor will begin his formal public education.
He will be entering all-day kindergarten.
Gracie begins her second year at preschool.
And I begin my new/old work at the preschool.
As well as my classes starting up.
Which I am more than looking forward to.
My brain is in desperate need of a jump-start.
There is a change brewing.
I feel it in the air this morning.
I think I can even smell it.
And I haven't been this excited in months.
I couldn't tell you why.
But I am.
And my senses have been operating at a heightened awareness lately.
I'm not really sure what that is all about.
Yesterday, for instance, I was driving home in the Rover with the kids and had the windows down. And next to us in the fast lane were two tractor trailer trucks. And the noise that the trucks issued was almost more than I could take. In fact, I thought my eardrums would burst and my head were about to explode.
Maybe it's the sign of growing older, maybe it's just this heightened awareness.
I'm not sure.
But I think it's my senses.
Usually I can feel things, sense things around me.
Often I know what is going to happen before it does.
Sometimes there is just a vibration or something that I can just pick up on.
This morning I've woken up to a drastic change in the weather/air here.
Rather than it being 80 degrees at 8:00 in the morning with 95% humidity, it's more like 60 something degrees and not one ounce of humidity.
There is certainly a fall feel to the air.
I want to run out right now and buy Connor a bunch of school clothes.
It just has that feel.
As the pot brewed it's coffee, I turned off the air conditioner and threw open all of the windows.
A slight breeze pushes it's way through the screen and makes itself known across my skin.
And it feels wonderful.
I'm not delusional.
I know that August is not quite done with us and will probably find the time to beat us with high temps and high humidity.
But I feel a break.
A release of something with this new breathe-able air.
Next week, Connor will begin his formal public education.
He will be entering all-day kindergarten.
Gracie begins her second year at preschool.
And I begin my new/old work at the preschool.
As well as my classes starting up.
Which I am more than looking forward to.
My brain is in desperate need of a jump-start.
There is a change brewing.
I feel it in the air this morning.
I think I can even smell it.
And I haven't been this excited in months.
I couldn't tell you why.
But I am.
8/4/07
Longing A Little
I am emotionally and physically exhausted.
The last part of the week kicked my rear pretty good.
While it wasn't as crazy in regards to shuttling the kids and the adults to and from where they need to be, it was tough in the aspect of sitting in a conference room for 8 hours listening to spearkers about suicide awareness, emergency procedures, eyeing up a box of confiscated contraband, and listening to tales of escaped juveniles and attacked staff.
It's a lot to take in all at once.
I have to say, it totally sucks that I can't check in on everyone out here in blogland like I would like. I'm not able to comment and barely able to post anything riveting.
I'm simply too tired and too pressed for time.
That being said, I find myself thinking of you all during the course of the day.
I have been drawing strength from the supportive, caring comments that you are leaving me.
And I can't thank you enough for this friendship that I did not expect to find when I started this wee little blog a year ago.
Hang in with me while I adjust.
Trying to find time to do all of the things I need and want to do is a balancing act that I have to work out. And it's not a strong point of mine.
While I may not be commenting, I'm popping in and reading when I can.
And I am thinking of you all.
The last part of the week kicked my rear pretty good.
While it wasn't as crazy in regards to shuttling the kids and the adults to and from where they need to be, it was tough in the aspect of sitting in a conference room for 8 hours listening to spearkers about suicide awareness, emergency procedures, eyeing up a box of confiscated contraband, and listening to tales of escaped juveniles and attacked staff.
It's a lot to take in all at once.
I have to say, it totally sucks that I can't check in on everyone out here in blogland like I would like. I'm not able to comment and barely able to post anything riveting.
I'm simply too tired and too pressed for time.
That being said, I find myself thinking of you all during the course of the day.
I have been drawing strength from the supportive, caring comments that you are leaving me.
And I can't thank you enough for this friendship that I did not expect to find when I started this wee little blog a year ago.
Hang in with me while I adjust.
Trying to find time to do all of the things I need and want to do is a balancing act that I have to work out. And it's not a strong point of mine.
While I may not be commenting, I'm popping in and reading when I can.
And I am thinking of you all.
7/30/07
First Day Jitters
Today is my first day at the new job.
Two weeks of training. And then, the real thing.
I'm working myself up to that point.
Right now, I'm just trying to get through today.
The past 3-4 years is flashing in front and behind me.
Endless questions.
And deep hope that I did the best I could do with the time that I had at home with my babies.
Yes, I know I did a lot.
I fear that it wasn't enough.
And now it's gone.
I hate that times are how they are and I'm forced, basically, to do this.
It's not a matter of choice.
It is have to.
I'm nervous and scared.
I'm surprised at myself and the fact that I slept last night & have been able to eat breakfast.
Usually those are the first two things that go when I'm nervous.
Though, I had a dream I was married to Christopher (Micheal Imperioli) from The Sopranos, and that while I was in the house with Gracie, the family took a hit out on him.
They spared us though.
Well, wish me luck.
I miss the kids already.
Two weeks of training. And then, the real thing.
I'm working myself up to that point.
Right now, I'm just trying to get through today.
The past 3-4 years is flashing in front and behind me.
Endless questions.
And deep hope that I did the best I could do with the time that I had at home with my babies.
Yes, I know I did a lot.
I fear that it wasn't enough.
And now it's gone.
I hate that times are how they are and I'm forced, basically, to do this.
It's not a matter of choice.
It is have to.
I'm nervous and scared.
I'm surprised at myself and the fact that I slept last night & have been able to eat breakfast.
Usually those are the first two things that go when I'm nervous.
Though, I had a dream I was married to Christopher (Micheal Imperioli) from The Sopranos, and that while I was in the house with Gracie, the family took a hit out on him.
They spared us though.
Well, wish me luck.
I miss the kids already.
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