4 Years and Several Pounds Ago

I gave birth to Gracie.
On July 22, 2004.

My pregnancy caused great stress and I wondered how we would get through.
A double-blow was dealt when I found out that we were having a girl.
I wondered how.

How I would mother a girl.
I knew love and hugs would be involved. That's easy.
But it was all of that other stuff.

Needless to say, it's been fine.
Beyond fine.
I still struggle with the horror of horrors:
Princess crap.
I draw the line at tiaras and clothing with the words princess on it.
But she's a girl.
Through and through.

Despite being my daughter, she is my rock.
She has no idea that there are days when she is what is holding me together.
And I recognize that might not be good.
But all it takes is for her to smile or touch me.
And I know it will all be OK.

She is full of something that I will never possess.
She is what would happen if you mixed the very best parts of Rav and I
but only
made it better.
She is that fantabulous.

I love my daughter.
My girl.
Happy Birthday, my little lovely.

Here is your (latest) favorite song.
May you hold it close. And remember it is so true.

Sunday (Morning) Song of the Moment

Wow. Am I like, way late on this one?!

My good friend, B. turned 40 yesterday.
And to celebrate, a small group of us (Rav, J and her husband M, and B's husband D, & I) took B out to dinner at a nice restaurant.
Many drinks were had and decent meals were eaten.
B is a special lady & I was proud to be there celebrating her.

I've laughed harder than I've laughed in a long, long
long, long,
long
time.
Like laughed so hard my face hurt and my sides felt like they were going to explode.
Like laughed so hard I had to hide my face in my napkin and wipe the tears off of my cheeks.
Like laughed so hard that Rav was embarrassed because I was becoming almost unbearably and embarrassingly loud.
It was cathartic.
Last Saturday night, I cried so hard it hurt.
This Saturday night, I laughed so hard it hurt. Yes, Jen...I had my head thrown back in wide-open laughter :)
I think I'm making great progress.

Anyway, the point of this is that, this is just one thing that happened this weekend that has kept me away from posting.
A furnace emergency, a sick daughter, and a few other obligations have kept me from it.

But here I am!

And this song is for my sick Gracie. It's her new favorite.

Jealous of the Moon by Nickel Creek
I have do just have to say for only being 3, she's got great taste. I wonder where she gets it from?
I also think she is trying to tell me something with this song as she has been making me play it over and over and over.

The Sacred Place Slowly Fades Away

**continued from the previous post**

I begin to speak.
And the first few things I say are
This was amazing!
It was so intense.

K says Oh, good! I'm so glad!

She says a lot of people have told me that they often feel intoxicated or high during the treatment. And she asks me if I felt that way.
I explained to her that yes, in fact I had felt incredibly dizzy. But as quickly as it came, it vanished.
She asks if there is anything else I would like to share.
I tell her Yes & that she'll probably think I am nuts.
To which she ensures me that she won't.

I begin to explain what happened with my lower back.
This information she finds very interesting.

She begins to explain that I ...took in a lot of energy.
I look at her, slightly alarmed, and ask if this is a bad thing.
She says no, it just means that I needed it.
(I half-way want to ask her if she is exhausted at all, but decide against it).

K then begins to say that while she is applying her treatment, she tries to meditate as well and if she is prompted by an energy or thought, she just follows it.
During the treatment she was prompted to add only one stone to my body - the pink onyx.
She says that the pink onyx symbolizes love - and that she doesn't know why she was prompted to use this stone, but she was.

She also begins to tell me that when she was holding my right hand, she felt like there was a goal or something that I would like to accomplish, but that something is standing in my way. Something is holding me back.
And she asked that whatever it is that is impeding my progress to be removed.

I thanked K and she left the room to wait for me.

I sat in the silence of the room.
The energy shifted from when I had walked in to the now.
I sat on the edge of the table, rubbing my head and my face, and just breathing deeply for a few more times before I had to head back out to the world.
I looked up and straight ahead from where I sat was a picture.

The picture was of a fantasy-type genre, and the artist made use of earthy tones.
It was dark in appearance - blacks and all shades of browns and golden hues.
There was a mermaid sitting on a rock, on the edge of a shore.
She had the most, haunting eyes. They went straight through me.
She looked peaceful, content.
Yet there was something else in the eyes that I can't quite define.
In her arms, she held a baby.
The baby's head was turned in the opposite direction - burying itself in it's momma's chest, if you will.

When I saw this picture, actually saw it, I felt like I had been hit in the head, physically punched. It was a physical reaction.
And I began to sob.

This wasn't a bad thing.
I believe it was just a release from the treatment.

However, there is something to this picture.
There is something that resonates with me.
To feel such a powerful reaction to it.

I feel awkward talking about this picture.
And to be perfectly honest, this is the first time I am speaking of it.
I have not recounted the experience to anyone yet.
Until now, that is.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The energy shift between the room within and the room outside
is unbelievable.

Despite the overwhelming emotions, it is was so totally worth it.

I made an appointment to go back next month & strongly recommend everyone treat themselves to a reiki treatment.

I have to remind myself to tell my stepmom, Eileen that this was probably one of the best birthday gifts anyone has ever gotten me.

29er-Ish

In approximately two weeks, my calendar will turn yet again.
With that approach, I will be hitting my third decade. I will teeter there and wait for three-oh to grab hold.
(Oh, shush. I know you're all rolling your eyes at me. I know that I'm the baby of the "group".)

I feel that as such, this marks the end of something.
And not necessarily in a bad way.
But it definitely has the closing of a chapter feel.

And because of this, I have decided
A) that I need to celebrate this birthday - as I usually don't celebrate myself on my birthday.
and
B) I have been doing more introspection and self-evaluation than I normally do. (which means I've been doing A LOT).

I've been thinking about all that has been wrapped up, accomplished, discovered, and experienced in these two decades.
The roads have been rough, meandering.
Making their way to smoother, more purposeful ones.

I have found pieces of myself that I had thought were long gone and had become useless litter that lined my road.
I have learned how to (more) easily identify that meaningful "litter" that I discarded without knowing any better and the "litter" that is simply just that...trash.
Whether that be unhealthy people, habits, or mindsets.

I have become much more comfortable with this personality of mine, this essence that spans more than the (almost) three decades.
For it reaches much farther back.
It resides in the 1940's.
Completely skips over the 1950's.
And picks back up again in the late 60's-early 70's.
I was born before my time - if that makes any sense.
I'm simply an old soul.
And I've come to accept that as OK.
It's OK that I may be the only 20-something who watched Are You Being Served? and Laugh-In (on Nick-at-Nite with Three Dog Night Dad & Eileen) growing up.
It's totally rockin'(I think)that I get goosebumps when I see 40's era cars, clothing, and hear 40's era music.
Which brings me to the next...

I've embraced my inner geek.
And that's all I have to say on that.

These things I've listed above have always been a part of me.
But this year.
This year
I've grown into them.
They fit now.
I'm much more OK with me than I was ever before.

Not to say that there isn't more work to be done.
I'm still struggling with things.
There is still so much left to do, left to learn, left to explore.
There are inner boundaries that I want to push just a bit farther.

With all of these inner victories that I have won this year
it does make me eager to see what the year between
29 and 30 will bring.

Another Birthday - the big 5

Today is Connor's birthday.

This evening at 7:27 on 7/27 he was born.

The young master turns 5.

When I look back at the pictures it seems like a lifetime ago. So much has happened since then.

And yet it seems that time did a marathon and it was a mere minute ago.

Connor was a surprise. We didn't plan to get pregnant.

But I felt a peace I have never known when I was carrying him and for the first 2 years of his life.

Peace has given way to chaos. But that's OK. That's how it should be.

My boy. My little, quirky, smart, spirited boy.

Today he is 5.

Sunday Morning Song of the Moment - the big 3

Friday was spent running around on errands to get ready. And we spent the whole day doing it.
The whole day.
From the time we got up to the time we went to bed.
Yesterday even found us spending much of the early part of the day getting ready.
And then at 1:00 p.m. it was on.
A big birthday bash for Gracie who turns 3 today.
And for Connor who turns 5 on the 27th.
We went all out for this one (which we don't usually do).
But I wanted to have a good time.
So we also invited a lot of "adult" friends.
And we enjoyed a lot of "adult" beverages.
The weather was beautiful. Perfect actually.

Perfect actually. That describes my Gracie - I call her Gracie-goo, Googie, Goog, Poogie, Poog. Pick one. We call her it.
She was born 3 years ago today.



My sweet, loving, caring, even-tempered (but a fireball) of a little girl.
The little girl I was so upset to find out we were having, but couldn't imagine my life without.
You can read her birth story here if you would like. Or if you haven't already, you can read the story as to how she got her name.
She is such a joyful girl with the most beautiful spirit.
And I'm glad she came to me -to us. I know that her path to get to me was a long one. But she's here now. And we're both better for the long wait.




These are for her. The first song, Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder I put on one of her very first CD's that I made for her. And the second one is from the O Brother Where Art Thou? soundtrack. It's Didn't Leave Nobody But The Baby by Alliso Krauss, Gillian Welch, and Emmylou Harris. I used to sing this to Gracie over and over and over. And it is still one of her favorites. If she curls up on my lap for a snuggle and I start to sing it, you can tell she slips into a memory, a comfortable place, and is soothed. I prefer the album version of the song. But I have to take what I can get.
Enjoy.

Ravioli's Day

That picture of Rav over there, to the left, is one of my favorite pictures of him. It's not a great picture. And I'm not even sure why I like it.

This was taken before we even had met. But I think it just reminds me of that time. I love the fact that he bleached his hair - just as he did the summer we met. And I even had him bleach his hair for our wedding.

Today is Rav's birthday.

As always, there are a million things I want to say. But I can't quite find the words.

There are so many things that I would love to do for him today. But circumstances just don't allow for it.

I want him to know just how much he is appreciated and loved. That he is deserving of a celebration. He is an amazing friend, partner, father. He has such a calm, loving soul. And in the demands of daily life, Rav often gets looked over. He is the kind of person that demands little and requires even less. He is always happy. He is always in a calm, balanced state. So it is easy to forget that he needs tending to. And he never complains. He just keeps plugging along.

I want him to know how happy I am to mark this day with him. To recognize this day for what it is. The day that brought him here. The day that would ensure his presence in our lives. And we are all the better for him.

I love you, Rav. Happy Birthday!!