Mother's Blues

Three years ago, the famiglia de Ravioli really struggled.
We threw our hands up in the air.
We huffed and puffed.
We shook our heads in resignation.
We wondered What in the hell is going on? What did we do wrong? What can we do now?

Connor was struggling and as a result we were struggling too.
I knew before I knew that this was beyond us and we'd have to get help.
And we did.
And things were good.

He finished kindergarten without major incident.
And he is barely receiving any "extra" help or services.
We've seen some old behaviors/issues peak out of old, long forgotten places.
And we've seen some new things come up.
The summer has been rough.

And now he's heading to 1st grade.
Where he'll be expected to sit at a desk.
I well up with tears and feel a sneaking claw of panic grip my throat and chest.

Because we have to start over with a new teacher.
She has to figure out Connor.
He's a complicated fellow.
And yet at the same time, so easy to figure out.
Which makes it even more complex and complicated in the difficult simplicity of his personality.

I panic because a lot of his own family and friends don't understand him.
Do not understand that his lack of physical/eye contact isn't a personal affront.
They don't understand how full his mind is. And how when it gets too full he bursts at the seams.

They don't understand that his desire to hide when entering a new social situation is not
because he doesn't want to see them, it's because his body processes commotion and change
much differently than the rest of us.

My heart still breaks for the kid, my kid, our kid
that many people will not get to know.
Because they leave his aloofness at the door and handle him at arm's length.
Simply because they just
don't understand or try to.
Or pretend to.
But we see the difference between true, genuine love and acceptance
and the feigned.
Parents can tell the difference.
And so can the kids.
He can tell.

And I just want to scream and cry and thrash on the floor and kick people in the shins
because it's just so unfair and damned frustrating.

10 ripples in the pond:

Joker The Lurcher said...

i have one just like him! he is now 13 and tall and confident and makes me so proud. when he was connor's age we were in total crisis. it gets a lot easier...hugs

flutter said...

oh I so wish i knew what to say...he is such a doll!

Becc said...

Fall upon your faith, your beliefs, and your love. It may not always be easy, I know, but in the end we can lay our heads on our pillows at night and know we may have stumbled but we have guided well.

Pgoodness said...

he has parents like you that know and care and will work your butts off to ease his troubles. he doesn't need anything else.

Aliki2006 said...

Hugs to you and your special boy, Tabba. You know I understand--it IS frustrating, and make me want to kick and scream as well.

carrie said...

Nobody ever told me about this kicking and screaming feeling that comes along with parenthood. . . and I suspect that's a good thing.

He is awesome.

Denguy said...

I tend to let my children lead the way.

phenom said...

I was enjoying some Dogfish Head Punkin Ale the other day and thought of you all. How are things?

Tricia said...

Hey Tabba!

Just wanted to let you know that I happened to make it out of my blogging silence, and that I hope you're able to do the same.

Hugs to you!

Kim said...


I know this has been a while but, WOW.

I love the "parents can tell the difference. And so can the kids."