I'm almost afraid to post this.
No. Scratch that.
I am afraid to post this.
I've put myself out there before in this here spot before with pretty messy consequences.
But I've got to get some of this out in an attempt to clear my mind, in an attempt to work it through and let it go.
I'm hoping that when it's all said and done, I will watch it float away.
A red balloon of my irrational thoughts that I will send out in the void.
I will let them go and watch them float of into oblivion until they are the size of a pinhead and then disappear.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I had a feeling that, after a few quiet days and some physical labor, in the form of intense cleaning and heavy lifting of household furniture, that there would be an internal break.
A flood.
The dams and leveys that have been holding me back were bound to break.
Last night, in bed, it happened.
I broke.
My head ached like I've never had my head ache before.
The pain so intense.
Usually, crying is a bittersweet release.
It only hurt more to cry. Physically hurt.
At one point, I said to Rav
I feel like I am on the brink of madness.
It took me about a half an hour of crying to get out one word.
A half an hour.
To speak but a few words.
To speak the words that I so fought against.
And when I finally had the ability to speak this is what I said ( in a nutshell):
I feel like I am completely forgettable.
Being the nice guy he is and the ever-devoted husband, he of course, argued this.
And it is a nice sentiment. Really. That he says that I am not.
But it doesn't change the fact that someone feels that way.
After an entire lifetime of feeling it.
Some of it may be self-inflicted and as a result/circumstances of an ever-changing life.
Some of it may be my inability to properly cultivate relationships - in real life and out here.
Some of it may simply be residual hauntings of a past life.
Which, despite all of my personal growth and status as a "big-girl", leaves me still feeling it from time to time.
Now don't get me wrong.
I'm airing.
I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
After a few more dull thuds of pain behind my eyeballs and forehead, I managed to get out that I believe this emotional upheaval I've been facing is a direct result of my reiki treatment.
Rav was not pleased to hear me say this. Not in the least bit.
I don't think she did this to me. Quite the opposite. It was there already. But the treatment was like a hot compress to a pimple. It just drew out what was already there.
I began discussing how I feel disconnected from my BFF, from my other close girl-friend, this here blog and the people I've been trying to cultivate relationships with, even Three Dog Night Dad.
I told him how someone once told me the reason people "forget about me" is because I am often too laid back and not demanding enough - I'm not the squeaky wheel.
I'm the one people turn to, IRL, but when it comes time for me to need someone, everyone else has vacated.
And I just hold it all in.
Until the damn breaks.
Which it always does.
And what a mess it makes.
Rav's response to my blubbering purging was that I am fiercely loyal. I am strong, independent - a giver. I give so much of myself and expect so much from myself, so I in-turn, expect a lot from others.
The problem with this, he indicates, is that most people are not willing to give back, equally.
And I see his point.
To a certain extent.
I don't give of myself simply for what I will gain in return.
I don't offer up my loyalties and my friendship hoping to gain any "extras".
I do it because it is me and it is in my heart to do so.
And for no other reasons.
Right now, it is just a lonely place to be.
And I hope that it is just my irrational feelings
that are leaving me with the impressions
of being forgettable.
Showing posts with label reiki. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reiki. Show all posts
10/29/07
10/18/07
The Sacred Place Slowly Fades Away
**continued from the previous post**
I begin to speak.
And the first few things I say are
This was amazing!
It was so intense.
K says Oh, good! I'm so glad!
She says a lot of people have told me that they often feel intoxicated or high during the treatment. And she asks me if I felt that way.
I explained to her that yes, in fact I had felt incredibly dizzy. But as quickly as it came, it vanished.
She asks if there is anything else I would like to share.
I tell her Yes & that she'll probably think I am nuts.
To which she ensures me that she won't.
I begin to explain what happened with my lower back.
This information she finds very interesting.
She begins to explain that I ...took in a lot of energy.
I look at her, slightly alarmed, and ask if this is a bad thing.
She says no, it just means that I needed it.
(I half-way want to ask her if she is exhausted at all, but decide against it).
K then begins to say that while she is applying her treatment, she tries to meditate as well and if she is prompted by an energy or thought, she just follows it.
During the treatment she was prompted to add only one stone to my body - the pink onyx.
She says that the pink onyx symbolizes love - and that she doesn't know why she was prompted to use this stone, but she was.
She also begins to tell me that when she was holding my right hand, she felt like there was a goal or something that I would like to accomplish, but that something is standing in my way. Something is holding me back.
And she asked that whatever it is that is impeding my progress to be removed.
I thanked K and she left the room to wait for me.
I sat in the silence of the room.
The energy shifted from when I had walked in to the now.
I sat on the edge of the table, rubbing my head and my face, and just breathing deeply for a few more times before I had to head back out to the world.
I looked up and straight ahead from where I sat was a picture.
The picture was of a fantasy-type genre, and the artist made use of earthy tones.
It was dark in appearance - blacks and all shades of browns and golden hues.
There was a mermaid sitting on a rock, on the edge of a shore.
She had the most, haunting eyes. They went straight through me.
She looked peaceful, content.
Yet there was something else in the eyes that I can't quite define.
In her arms, she held a baby.
The baby's head was turned in the opposite direction - burying itself in it's momma's chest, if you will.
When I saw this picture, actually saw it, I felt like I had been hit in the head, physically punched. It was a physical reaction.
And I began to sob.
This wasn't a bad thing.
I believe it was just a release from the treatment.
However, there is something to this picture.
There is something that resonates with me.
To feel such a powerful reaction to it.
I feel awkward talking about this picture.
And to be perfectly honest, this is the first time I am speaking of it.
I have not recounted the experience to anyone yet.
Until now, that is.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The energy shift between the room within and the room outside
is unbelievable.
Despite the overwhelming emotions, it is was so totally worth it.
I made an appointment to go back next month & strongly recommend everyone treat themselves to a reiki treatment.
I have to remind myself to tell my stepmom, Eileen that this was probably one of the best birthday gifts anyone has ever gotten me.
I begin to speak.
And the first few things I say are
This was amazing!
It was so intense.
K says Oh, good! I'm so glad!
She says a lot of people have told me that they often feel intoxicated or high during the treatment. And she asks me if I felt that way.
I explained to her that yes, in fact I had felt incredibly dizzy. But as quickly as it came, it vanished.
She asks if there is anything else I would like to share.
I tell her Yes & that she'll probably think I am nuts.
To which she ensures me that she won't.
I begin to explain what happened with my lower back.
This information she finds very interesting.
She begins to explain that I ...took in a lot of energy.
I look at her, slightly alarmed, and ask if this is a bad thing.
She says no, it just means that I needed it.
(I half-way want to ask her if she is exhausted at all, but decide against it).
K then begins to say that while she is applying her treatment, she tries to meditate as well and if she is prompted by an energy or thought, she just follows it.
During the treatment she was prompted to add only one stone to my body - the pink onyx.
She says that the pink onyx symbolizes love - and that she doesn't know why she was prompted to use this stone, but she was.
She also begins to tell me that when she was holding my right hand, she felt like there was a goal or something that I would like to accomplish, but that something is standing in my way. Something is holding me back.
And she asked that whatever it is that is impeding my progress to be removed.
I thanked K and she left the room to wait for me.
I sat in the silence of the room.
The energy shifted from when I had walked in to the now.
I sat on the edge of the table, rubbing my head and my face, and just breathing deeply for a few more times before I had to head back out to the world.
I looked up and straight ahead from where I sat was a picture.
The picture was of a fantasy-type genre, and the artist made use of earthy tones.
It was dark in appearance - blacks and all shades of browns and golden hues.
There was a mermaid sitting on a rock, on the edge of a shore.
She had the most, haunting eyes. They went straight through me.
She looked peaceful, content.
Yet there was something else in the eyes that I can't quite define.
In her arms, she held a baby.
The baby's head was turned in the opposite direction - burying itself in it's momma's chest, if you will.
When I saw this picture, actually saw it, I felt like I had been hit in the head, physically punched. It was a physical reaction.
And I began to sob.
This wasn't a bad thing.
I believe it was just a release from the treatment.
However, there is something to this picture.
There is something that resonates with me.
To feel such a powerful reaction to it.
I feel awkward talking about this picture.
And to be perfectly honest, this is the first time I am speaking of it.
I have not recounted the experience to anyone yet.
Until now, that is.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The energy shift between the room within and the room outside
is unbelievable.
Despite the overwhelming emotions, it is was so totally worth it.
I made an appointment to go back next month & strongly recommend everyone treat themselves to a reiki treatment.
I have to remind myself to tell my stepmom, Eileen that this was probably one of the best birthday gifts anyone has ever gotten me.
10/16/07
A Trip To The Sacred Place
When I walk through the door, I become awash in soothing smells.
A mixture of a subtle oil and maybe a slight whiff of coconut.
The air has a hint of smokey smell and ambiance to it.
It's not overwhelming and it is just barely noticeable.
Possibly from the candles that sprinkle the room.
The room is dark, comforting, warm.
It is a room I fear I don't want to leave.
It is almost uterine - in that it feels like the safest and most comfortable of all rooms.
Ethereal pictures are on each and every wall.
Each detail of the room makes itself known on its own due time.
The music, which has been playing all along, decides to make its entrance into my slowly de-clouded and de-cluttered mind.
It has soft beats, soothing panflutes dance their way into my ears and weaving and winding its way into every pore and cell.
K says to me in a voice that meshes with the whole vibe of this room in such a perfect way, to have a seat, remove my shoes and socks, and to hop up onto the table.
She instructs me to lay down.
And she guides me through deep, cleansing breaths.
I inhale deeply through my nose
and
exhale every ounce of breath through my mouth.
It is so quiet.
And my breathing seems as loud as an elephant sneeze in this peaceful, modest room.
K guides me through meditation
and leads me to my sacred place.
Where she leaves me feeling content and happy.
Suddenly I become intoxicatingly dizzy.
I feel very much like I have the dreaded, drunken room spins.
I think to myself if I feel like this the entire time I am here I will probably get sick.
Then
as quickly as it came
it was gone.
And I felt a slight nudge on my lower back that seemed to originate from the table.
By this time, I am so far gone that the only way I know she is there is that I feel the warmth of her hands touch my head and this inspires a memory or a thought.
She cups my ears and these memories and feelings become so intense.
I well up with tears.
She moves her hands to hold my shoulders
and the tears stop.
And one lonely tear escapes and makes its descent down my cheek.
K moves to my abdomen and then quickly walks away.
She returns and places a stone on my stomach.
I only know this by my sense of touch.
She then places a stone under my left hand.
After she places her hands on my stomach, she begins a gentle rocking motion on my mid-section.
This movement, though subtle and gentle, feels so perfectly right.
And again, I am blissfully happy and free as I travel through my sacred place.
The place I miss so much.
The place of my childhood.
The place I will always think of as home.
She makes her way to my knees and my feet.
She returns to my left hand, she keeps the stone in my hand and presses her hands on my hand.
And does the same with my right hand.
K sits down in her chair and politely tells me that I may begin to slowly open my eyes and sit up at my own leisure.
And she will wait with her head bowed and eyes closed
until I am ready to talk.
I do this slowly...
and she looks at me with expectant, excited eyes.
A mixture of a subtle oil and maybe a slight whiff of coconut.
The air has a hint of smokey smell and ambiance to it.
It's not overwhelming and it is just barely noticeable.
Possibly from the candles that sprinkle the room.
The room is dark, comforting, warm.
It is a room I fear I don't want to leave.
It is almost uterine - in that it feels like the safest and most comfortable of all rooms.
Ethereal pictures are on each and every wall.
Each detail of the room makes itself known on its own due time.
The music, which has been playing all along, decides to make its entrance into my slowly de-clouded and de-cluttered mind.
It has soft beats, soothing panflutes dance their way into my ears and weaving and winding its way into every pore and cell.
K says to me in a voice that meshes with the whole vibe of this room in such a perfect way, to have a seat, remove my shoes and socks, and to hop up onto the table.
She instructs me to lay down.
And she guides me through deep, cleansing breaths.
I inhale deeply through my nose
and
exhale every ounce of breath through my mouth.
It is so quiet.
And my breathing seems as loud as an elephant sneeze in this peaceful, modest room.
K guides me through meditation
and leads me to my sacred place.
Where she leaves me feeling content and happy.
Suddenly I become intoxicatingly dizzy.
I feel very much like I have the dreaded, drunken room spins.
I think to myself if I feel like this the entire time I am here I will probably get sick.
Then
as quickly as it came
it was gone.
And I felt a slight nudge on my lower back that seemed to originate from the table.
By this time, I am so far gone that the only way I know she is there is that I feel the warmth of her hands touch my head and this inspires a memory or a thought.
She cups my ears and these memories and feelings become so intense.
I well up with tears.
She moves her hands to hold my shoulders
and the tears stop.
And one lonely tear escapes and makes its descent down my cheek.
K moves to my abdomen and then quickly walks away.
She returns and places a stone on my stomach.
I only know this by my sense of touch.
She then places a stone under my left hand.
After she places her hands on my stomach, she begins a gentle rocking motion on my mid-section.
This movement, though subtle and gentle, feels so perfectly right.
And again, I am blissfully happy and free as I travel through my sacred place.
The place I miss so much.
The place of my childhood.
The place I will always think of as home.
She makes her way to my knees and my feet.
She returns to my left hand, she keeps the stone in my hand and presses her hands on my hand.
And does the same with my right hand.
K sits down in her chair and politely tells me that I may begin to slowly open my eyes and sit up at my own leisure.
And she will wait with her head bowed and eyes closed
until I am ready to talk.
I do this slowly...
and she looks at me with expectant, excited eyes.
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