Little Boy Lost - John Vincent

This little guy has a sad story. He was left abandonded under a shade tree in the parking lot of our local hospital.....Christiana Hospital. Luckily, a nurse walking into the hospital heard him crying and picked him up. She carried him into the marternity ward. Taking her time and scanning the waiting room/lobby for a sign that someone was looking for him.

This story has been the talk of our state. And I'm not sure if it has made national news or not. But I felt that I had to post his story.

Next to his picture is a note that was allegedly placed inside his diaper bag. It's hard to make out, so I'll retype what it says:

"Please help my baby John Vincent I can no longer take care of him. Lost job, lost medical. God have mercy on me"

There is so much to say in regards to this story.
Obviously, I feel for this sweet boy.
I also feel for the mother (or father) who felt so desperate, who felt that this was the absolute best that they could do for him.

Let me start off by saying that he was found well-fed, properly bathed, and in excellent health. It was quite obvious from observations by doctors at the hospital that he has been well cared for.
I'm posting a link to the articles regarding little John Vincent.
All I'm asking you to do is read the story and take a look at his picture.
Because no one in our state has come forward with any information.
Maybe someone out there has seen him before.

Can't Bear To Feel

I remember having a conversation with someone regarding what she does for a living. She works in an assisted living facility. She was saying that she felt like something was wrong with her because years ago, when (not if) one of the residents passed away, she would cry. She would feel loss. But as of lately, she said she just felt numb.
I felt what she was saying and said, What I find interesting is that you hear how dumb our country is (and to a certain extent that is true). But what occurs to me is that our country isn't necessarily being "dumbed" down. We're being numbed down.

I hate to admit that maybe I fall into that category. I am sad and heartbroken by what happened at VT. I am outraged, in a way, about people speculating and hypothesizing that this could have been stopped. On one hand, that may be true.

But what I'm talking about is that parents everywhere want to know they can send their babies out into the world and they will be safe. Despite every measure toward safety and security we take, you can't stop madness.
Madness is an energy entity that we cannot prepare for entirely.
And a random act of madness is almost completely unstoppable.

The thing is, we see so much that makes us immune to basic human caring.
And we see so little that puts us in touch with it as well.

There are unspeakable horrors that go on on a daily basis. But we get the CNN version, the Fox News version. Hell, we can't even see a picture of a flag-draped coffin.
We get so used to hearing about atrocities that we tend to shrug our shoulders and just go on about our day.

And then we do feel something and we balm it with whatever. Myself included.
What is it that we can't feel anymore?
Do we think we're too busy?
That we're above it?
What is it that we think feelings are so 1960's and 70's?
Is it that we think we can better survive but being one, giant collective hamster on a wheel? Nose down, not thinking, just acting. Going through the motions.
Day in and day out.
What many may not realize is while we block out negative feelings, we may also be blocking out the
Joy, as well.

I know that often times people that know me in 3-D life might tend to look at me as a gloom & doomer. That I'm, perhaps, too sensitive. That I see all of the trouble. I see all of the problems.
And I guess, to some extent that is true.
I'm not a surface person.
I'm a meat & guts person.
I cannot help that I can feel what someone is feeling.
I cannot help that, at times, I embrace hard times because they, in the past, have made me the person I am.
I know that once the turmoil abates there is a new, stronger version of myself that has learned something. That has somehow reaped a benefit or a character value.

I think by keeping the world at an arm's length, by keeping ourselves so far removed from what humanity really means, what brotherhood & sisterhood, mankind, and love means we are doing ourselves a great disservice. We are hiding from how things feel. How it feels to have someone cry on your shoulder and be a cocoon for someone. A place where they can harbor themselves from the storm and come out a little shinier than when they went in.
Our souls seem so cold toward one another.

And all while hundreds, possibly thousands grieve. They try to pick up the pieces of who they were on Sunday evening. While all of America and possibly the world is talking about this. Some of us are feeling it. And some of us are hiding.

Our President will try to fight lawmakers today.
In an attempt to gain funding and more support for a War.
A war that puts tragedies like VT into a grim perspective.
He will do this a day after he has spoken at VT.

I know how that makes me feel.
How does that make you feel?

Necessary Silence

I need to be silent. I cannot post about inane things.
My mind is on Virginia Tech and the lives making their way, trying to make sense, moving on and of course...
the lives lost.

I will be back when I can say something meaningful about this.
Or when I feel it is appropriate to chatter on about whatever.

Let us be thankful, mindful, aware, and vigilant.

Our world is hurting.
Our people are hurting.
Let's heal.

My Heart Just Stopped

It is the ass-crack of dawn, & I am awake. Today is going to be a rough day. Can't really get into details, but it will be keeping me away for the next few days. I just wanted to "report" on a few things.

I got my paper finished by 10:30 a.m. yesterday. It probably wasn't one of my better papers, but whateva.

The awards assembly was........awesome. Connor was so happy to receive his award. I swear, I don't think I've ever seen my baby boy that happy before. I was completely overwhelmed. I couldn't contain the tears. Yes, I think I must be one of those nutty mcnutster moms.
However, as soon as we walked into the school office & signed in, upon arriving at Connor's school, I knew it was going to be an emotional day.

This little girl we encountered, I haven't been able to get out of my mind.

When we walked into the office to sign in, there was a little girl standing in the office. She couldn't have been any more than 9. And there was a school "official" talking to her - I wasn't really paying them too much attention. And then I heard...

Sweetheart, I'm really sorry your mommy died.

And then the little girl said:
I know. Her heart just stopped.

I felt the tears welling up, my face fell, and I seriously wanted to hug that little girl so tight. I looked at her face as she was walking by me and she looked so....serene. She looked so strong.
But I know inside, that little girl has got be a wreck. Even if she doesn't know it.

Rav & I turned our backs to look at pictures in a display while waiting in the office & when I turned back around, that little girl was reaching out to touch Gracie's hand (who was in my mother's arms) and was talking to Gracie.
And my heart stopped.
The emotions that washed over me as a mom - for this little girl. A girl I don't even know. Watching her reaching out to my daughter. I was beyond words.

The emotions of the day were almost too much for me to handle & process.

Such sadness & then the next moment, such happiness.

I think I will be thinking about that little girl for quite some time.

Uncertain Futures

Rav & I, when we first started dating, had the usual conversations regarding our backgrounds - where we went to high school, what we did, who we knew. We soon found out that we knew many of the same people, but somehow missed each other. In fact, a good friend of mine from middle school and part of high school dated Rav's one older brother - and I remember when she did. Rav's other older brother was my ex's boss years back - and I remember vividly my ex speaking of Rav's brother. And another older brother of Rav's dated a girl of a friend of mine from a few years past. It was pretty strange. Our state is rather small, so it's not that much of a stretch, but weird just the same.

I went to the largest high school in the state which prided itself on it's athletic teams. We usually won everything, our kids were usually the kids to beat, etc. Since Rav wrestled for his high school & because of the high school I went to, we knew many of the same people. We began talking of a pretty talented wrestler who I went to middle school & high school with, L. L was a guy that a good friend of mine dated, he was one of the quiet, "bad" boys, however, seemed like a "nice" guy, if that makes any sense. At some point, L's life took a rather tragic turn. I didn't know him enough to know his home life, but I can't imagine it was all that great. It turns out that in 1996 (the year he should have graduated), he was involved in a double murder and now sits on death row in our state. Rav and I have sat and wondered how this could have happened to someone we both knew.

As Rav has been the assistant coach last year & this year of his Alma mater, we've become acquainted with some of the circumstances and messed up family lives these kids are travelling through. It's absolutely heart-breaking. A lot of them are in high school, participating in sports, and working jobs to help support their families - not necessarily working for money to blow at the mall, or money to save for a car. A majority of them are from single-parent (mother) homes. And the thing that strikes me is they are, at the very heart of it, great kids. Granted they get involved in stupid mistakes and general silliness - like most of us do in high school. But they really are just great kids.

Rav & I have tried to help out here and there when we can. Really, it's minimal things like giving rides home to kids who don't have one, we've given kids wrestling shoes and just asked them to "show up" as payment. If, at tournaments we notice someone isn't eating or drinking when everyone else is, we offer them a few bucks....things that might not carry them through the rest of their lives, but trying to do whatever little bit we can.

One wrestler in particular, Rav really took a shining to last year. He's a good kid with a big heart. Whenever we brought Connor to practice, he would make an effort to acknowledge Connor and would ask for his "little buddy" if I showed up to a practice or match without him. He was one of the kids we knew that had a rather rough home life. We knew that he would walk ridiculous amounts of miles from his home to school to make it to practice. We knew that finances were an issue for his family. We knew that he couldn't afford wrestling shoes. He was one of the ones Rav offered shoes to and just asked him to "show up".

This season, Rav noticed that something just wasn't the same with this kid. It turns out that the family has been split up, mom and other siblings living wherever or with whoever, just to survive. And this kid, is living with a family friend or relative (not sure which), while his mom lives somewhere else. Rav & the head coach are trying to provide a sense of security and comfort on the team, but this kid just floundered this year - as to be expected.

At the end of the State Wrestling Tournament a few weeks ago, when Rav returned home he was sharing the highlights and the low-lights of the weekend. He began speaking of an incident that occurred with one of his wrestlers who had money stolen out of his wallet, out of his hotel room (which he shared with two other wrestlers and one of those wrestlers being "Rav's kid"). It turns out through circumstances that are too much to get into here, that all trails led to "Rav's kid". As Rav was telling me the story, I kept saying Please don't say it. Please don't tell me it's him.
Turns out that they couldn't prove he did it or not, so they let it go. But I know we all took it personally. I think we all want different for this kid. We want so much for him to be one of the lucky ones.
After Rav told me this story regarding the kid, I looked at him and said S is a good kid. This is really unfortunate. We know what his situation is and most likely he did this because he came down to States with little or no money. All he's doing is trying to survive. What's unfortunate is that if he doesn't pull himself together, he's going to end up a good kid sitting in jail because he's just doing what he thinks he has to do to survive.

It's so easy for all of us to put up barriers between ourselves and the things that are really going on out there. Distance makes things look so much smaller and farther away. It appears as if we are travelling a road that could never take us there.
I know that we can't save "Rav's kid", S. Just like L's wrestling coach couldn't save him from sitting on death row. He made a bad choice that put himself there. But what is clear to me from seeing how many kids on Rav's team that have supportive families that are intact, is that America's kids are in a world of trouble. And I'm only seeing the context for a handful of kids on a somewhat small team.
I don't know the answers. I know that I can't save the world.
I just become infuriated at the idea that most of this country and many of the people I know, seem to travel through their seemingly comfortable context as if this country - our children -aren't in turmoil. People who are afraid to reach out, afraid to see. So wrapped up in their own that they have no heart for someone else's.
I think about the amount of people who protest about rights of unborn children.
And wonder if they give a shit about the children who are here now and are funneling through a school system, a health care system, a judicial system. Where is the rally for the kids who are so broken, possibly starving for food, love, attention, and acceptance and yet are expected to perform appropriately for state testing and to meet standards.

Tell me:
Do they feel left behind?

And yet I wake up and feel like I can't breathe because the weight of these kids is bearing on me.

I have been wondering and worrying about S ever since Rav shared that story with me.

This Just In....The Bottom Line

I have been slapped in the face the past few days with the following headline:

"Hollywood's latest accessory: Babies."

WTF!?!

Maybe I'm too sensitive. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole-hill. But somehow, someway it seems beyond wrong and sickening to compare human life to an arm/neckful of bling, the latest designer bag or the latest designer shoes. I mean, really. C'mon. It was bad enough when the latest accessory for a celebrity to carry were dogs. But now we've debased life even further by this outrageous, stupid headline.

I guess what bothers me about this, and it bothers me on many, many levels is that a) it's true. and 2)this is what "we" think of human life. I've done a few posts on humanitarianism and trying to think about each other and where we all are in the grand scheme of things. But this is demoralizing and despicable. It has just confirmed all of my worst fears: That human life is no more important and is just as dispensible as Dior's Fall Fashion line. The fact that life is something that will last only a season - a minute thought for a minute second. It is in today and out tomorrow. An innocent, completely insecure, totally dependant-upon -others- for -survival human being is now, merely, a decorative ornament.

It is just that novel of an idea. A precious, human life.

I don't think this country can sink any lower.

Not only does it confirm all of my worst fears about our society, culture, country. But it confirms the worst fears for those people out there in the rest of the world and what they think about Americans as a whole.

And that my dear friends, is

the bottom line.

I can't even begin to wrap my mind around this. It's frightening, frightening stuff.

The End Of The Innocence

I need clarity. I need to know why we live in a world that has all but lost it's humanity. The shootings that took place in Lancaster Co. yesterday have me shaken. We don't live all that far from Lancaster Co. It's not 5 mins away, but it's not so far removed, either.
We pass through Lancaster when we visit with my mom's side of the family. I know where that schoolhouse is. My family is considered 'Pennsylvania Dutch' just because of our German heritage - and living in Pennsylvania. My family is by no means 'Amish'. But there are some core values that, I believe, in the older generations are similar.
I can't stand to hear of any cruelties against human or animal. I think I'm pretty normal as far as that goes. But when I think of young, totally innocent children being shot - execution style - I cannot wrap my mind around what could possibly push someone to commit something so monsterous. The innocence of that culture is completely shattered.
I just can't find it within myself to post much more about this. In some weird way, I feel too close to this.

These pictures I took on a weekend trip to Lancaster in November of '00. This is NOT the schoolhouse that was involved.....

Natural Beauty

Few people are truly enthusiastic about what they do. Few people actually get to do what they love to do and what they are passionate about. And when you see someone who truly does love what they do, are living their dream and are beyond enthusiastic you have to stop and say, "Wow. Good on ya. That's wonderful and amazing."

I have felt a sadness that I can't describe upon hearing that Steve Irwin passed away. Bryan & I were watching the tribute to Steve Irwin on Animal Planet yesterday. And we both sat there shaking our heads and going, "Hm. I can't believe it. I still can't believe it. How unbelieveably sad." I feel bad for saying at one point, "Well, you knew with him, it was just a matter of time." How many people can die that way. Living every moment to the fullest while living their dream?

I don't usually get overly emotional when celebs die. But this was different. I feel for Terri, Bindi and Bob. I feel for Australia Zoo. I feel for all of his workmates. I feel for all of those animals who got used to Steve caring for them, fighting for them, and educating the world about them.

He leaves behind a legacy that will not be easy to fill, he leaves behind a family to try to pick up where he has left off, he leaves behind a zoo and the animals in it that won't know what to do without him, he leaves behind droves of fans that will miss hearing him yell, "Crickey! Take a look at this little beauty. Isn't she gorgeous?" And of course, "Crocs Rule!"

I felt that I had to post this to get it out. Soon, this will be 'old news'. And I had to acknowledge the sadness that I feel today - and everyday since I heard the news.

Steve, wherever you are, "YOU RULE!" and you'll be sadly missed.