Mother's Blues

Three years ago, the famiglia de Ravioli really struggled.
We threw our hands up in the air.
We huffed and puffed.
We shook our heads in resignation.
We wondered What in the hell is going on? What did we do wrong? What can we do now?

Connor was struggling and as a result we were struggling too.
I knew before I knew that this was beyond us and we'd have to get help.
And we did.
And things were good.

He finished kindergarten without major incident.
And he is barely receiving any "extra" help or services.

We've seen some old behaviors/issues peak out of old, long forgotten places.

And we've seen some new things come up.

The summer has been rough.

And now he's heading to 1st grade.
Where he'll be expected to sit at a desk.
I well up with tears and feel a sneaking claw of panic grip my throat and chest.

Because we have to start over with a new teacher.
She has to figure out Connor.
He's a complicated fellow.
And yet at the same time, so easy to figure out.
Which makes it even more complex and complicated in the difficult simplicity of his personality.

I panic because a lot of his own family and friends don't understand him.
Do not understand that his lack of physical/eye contact isn't a personal affront.
They don't understand how full his mind is. And how when it gets too full he bursts at the seams.

They don't understand that his desire to hide when entering a new social situation is not
because he doesn't want to see them, it's because his body processes commotion and change
much differently than the rest of us.

My heart still breaks for the kid, my kid, our kid
that many people will not get to know.
Because they leave his aloofness at the door and handle him at arm's length.
Simply because they just
don't understand or try to.
Or pretend to.
But we see the difference between true, genuine love and acceptance
and the feigned.
Parents can tell the difference.
And so can the kids.
He can tell.

And I just want to scream and cry and thrash on the floor and kick people in the shins
because it's just so unfair and damned frustrating.

What's It Lke Inside That Head Of Yours, Connor?

We have conferences next week at Connor's school.
I always look forward to these.
I'm most interested to hear what the teacher has learned about Connor and to hear about his progress.

I'm a smart mom.
I know my kid is a genius.
But a mom just likes to hear it over and over again, ya know?


I know words like
stubborn
inattentive
emotional
might be thrown about.
But that's OK.
It's part of his, um,
genius.
OK?
OK.

In an attempt to get to know each child better, the teacher sent home a paper asking about the kindergarten experience thus far.
The things your child especially likes, dislikes, what they say about school, etc.
And the teacher has asked that we bring it in for our conference.


I sat down and began asking Connor the two that seemed the easiest to answer.
The things he likes best about school
and the things he likes the least.


Some of the things he likes best are:
friend of the day
the green playground
the little blocks
Ms. Morris' hair (the librarian) - and OMG, did my son just say that? I need to check this woman out.
housekeeping


Some of the things he likes the least are:
gym
music
art
the blue playground
crayons AND pencils
group time.


I was intrigued by his answer of group time. So I say to my boy Why don't you like group time?
To which he says - (get ready for this...)

I get all sweaty at group time and it makes my belly hurt.


My dear, sweet, nervous boy.
I know exactly what you mean. When mommy is at school and she has to talk in front of people, she feels the same way bud. The exact.same.way.
You get it honest.
************************************************

Tonight is Halloween.
And I am sorry to say that I left my creativity back in Halloween of '06 and did not make anyone's costume this year.

Tonigth we will do what we have done for the past 2 years.
We will go to our friend's house - B & D.
Their three kids and our two get along famously.
Gracie even declared that N was her boyfriend.
We will order pizza and beg for candy in their neighborhood (it's a much safer 'hood than ours.). In fact ours would qualify for a 'hood status. Theirs does not.

Be safe tonight everyone.
And have a great time!

HELLO, Hello, hello

I swear I'm still here.

No, really I am.

I just need to get through this week.
Just this week.

I can put a few research papers behind me.
And a couple of finals....
Then I'll be good to go.

I'll be able to visit you all and sprinkle my little comments over your way.
In the meantime, I'm missing you and am visiting when I can.

The Day My Heart Went Walking Outside Of My Body

About an hour ago, we dropped our first-born off for his first day of all-day kindergarten. As much as I have been looking forward to this, I was the only tearful mom in the school lobby. I couldn't hold back the tears off happiness for my boy's new adventure, the longing of days now gone by, worry, and trepidation from starting something new. This is the first real step in the separation that begins between momma and her cub. It is necessary and hard.

But it is good too. Deep down I am happy.
My heart aches a little for the profound silence in the house.
But it is good.

My main goal is to have my children fly - to soar. And they are getting there.
His feet are just barely off of the ground. But they are. And I am proud and happy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone

Sweet Relief

I'm not going to get into a big diatribe.
I just want to acknowledge here that my academic year is winding down.
I'm handing in the last of my projects.
I'm being tested on the information taught and/or learned.

And I feel relieved.

I know in a few weeks I'll be missing it.

But I'm ready for warmer weather.
I'm ready to move away from the computer and play with my kids.
To give them the attention I haven't been giving them over the past few semesters.
And Fall will be here again before I know it.

I plan to try to soak in as much of everything I've been missing that I possibly can.
I plan to finally get some of those books off of my sidebar.

And I plan to take deep breaths.

The News

***Edited***

I am oh-so-tired.
I stayed up late last night in the attempt to write a paper that is due today.
If staying up late had produced the completed paper, I'd be alright. Because well, the mission is over.
But no, here I am dead tired with no paper in hand. In fact, not even really started.
I have to attempt to write this paper today before 12:30?!?! All while caring for two wild & crazy kids.

So, if I don't have much to say today, that's why.

Oh, and I'm still pissed off at blogger. I wrote a post yesterday - not a blurb, a post - only to have it eaten by the blogger goblins as soon as I hit "Publish". I got some crazy blogger error message saying that my request could not be granted, a bunch of technical garble, and no damn post. So, I'm still a little ragin' over that.

This afternoon, we are heading to Connor's school for an awards assembly where he will be receiving an actual award for good behavior (the same award that, at the beginning of the year, I said he would never get because even though he is sweet & caring, he has impulse issues that would keep him from getting this). But we have been basking in his little glory this week. Because our ADHD little boy pulled himself together enough - for one month, anyway - to receive the award.
He's so proud. He's so happy. And he should be. And we are too, right there with him.

Anyway, that's what I've got going on today, so it's not looking too good.

I'll probably be MIA this weekend too.
Except for Sunday, of course.

'Til then....

***When I said I mumbled that Connor would never get the award, I didn't say it to him. I said it to a friend of mine who has a son with ADD, who is similar in personality to Connor. She was reflecting on how she always hated 'Star of the Month' and crap that like because no matter how 'good' ADD/ADHD kids are & try to be, they have behaviors out of their control that always seem to keep them from these types of things. To which I added that there was a similar program at Connor's school & it breaks my heart because I know he'll never get it. ***

Passion And Indecision Are My Drugs Of Choice

Not long after Rav & I started dating, I found out that his mom made quilts.
This was something I had always wanted to learn how to do.
So she sat down and showed me.

I enjoy quilting. I really do (I'm an old, dorky soul). I don't do it often. I usually pick an "event" that is happening to someone close to me/us (a new baby, most likely) or a holiday, and I make a quilt. It becomes a bit of an emotional thing for me. As most things do.

This one I've been working on for a year & need to get of my butt.

It's for my BFF's grandson who is ONE now!

I enjoy playing with the colors, the designs, the patterns, the tedium.
However, the thing I think I like least is going to the fabric store.
As I walk back to where the fabrics are I become high. I'm excited by the prospect of the project, but start shaking as I look at the rows and rows of fabrics.
I imagine this must be what it feels like to be an addict. I get high.

I get itchy and jumpy and am lost in a fog of swirling colors, seemingly endless possibilities.
And I won't feel better until I have the desired product in.my.hand.
I seriously go into the whole quilting thing with little or no plan.
I'm completely opportunistic.

This one I just started for friends of ours who are expecting a baby in May.

I know what I want: to make a quilt for someone.

I know what I have to do: pick fabric.

But there are just so many options.

When I walk in, usually, with no pattern yet decided upon. And not necessarily a color scheme picked.
I walk the aisles, in a fit of jonesing, and touch the fabric, look at the fabric, until I "feel" what is the right one.

This is my general state-of-mind with almost any project.

Last night was my first class of this half of the semester. Pyschology of the Exceptional Child.
Good lord, my head already is going to explode.
The instructor began by saying all of the things about exceptional children that I was trying to say the other day in my post about Connor and people around children with exceptionalities/issues being more aware, more in-tune, more willing. I found myself saying in my head... yes,Yes!, Yes!
Then she began talking about the work we had to do this semester. And one rather large one in particular.
We have to choose a topic regarding exceptionalities, pick 5 medical/professional articles, cite them, annotate them and present them.
She gave us time at the library to start looking at our topic.
And wouldn't you know, it's as if I'm back in the fabric store.
There are just so many options.

And I feel passionate about them all. How do I pick just one?

Certainly I can jump on my soap-box about ADHD, treatment/nontreatment, behavioral/emotional issues, tactile defensiveness in correlation to ADHD, special ed. vs. inclusion, demographics, etc.
But I already know so much about the issue from living it. Which could be helpful.
However, my stepmother works with deaf/hard of hearing. She could lend some insight to their community and speaking/signing v. non.
And my mom, who has spent the last 10 years working with an Autistic adult in his workplace as his job coach, and how that program is being inundated with other mental health impaired and sex offenders because the state doesn't know where to put them.

Oh.dear.lord. My head is going to explode.

And nothing excites me more than reading, researching, exploring, learning, discussing, and sharing the information. Which, truth-be-told, has gotten me in trouble in the past. As I'm being asked to do these things for a grade, by someone who is actually interested in hearing different ideas, I'm already feeling the tingles of excitement and mental stimulation.

These projects, as much as they excite me, make me crazy. It is so hard to nail myself down to one. I guess I have to let my fingers do the walking on the internet today. I'll have to "touch" the articles, the different exceptionalities. And hopefully one will feel right.

This indecision and excitement I feel kills me. I feel unsettled until I can land on just the right one.

For Those Of You Who Watch 'Lost'....

I was sitting in class last night & we were going over Philosophies of the Enlightenment (the 17th Century). And there were two philosophers they highlighted...... One being a man named John Locke - who viewed children as tabula rasa (blank slates). He believed in not bribing your children with material things, but rather praise. He was also opposed to physical punishment. And can I just add here that, Episode 3 of Season 1 was named 'Tabula Rasa'!?

The next philosopher highlighted was Jean Jacques Rousseau - a french philosopher. Who believed children were noble savages, meaning they were naturally endowed with a sense of right and wrong.

Anyway.....I was in class & saw these two names. I (almost) blurted out in the middle of lecture, "Does anyone here watch 'Lost'??" But was able to contain myself. Instead, I came home & showed Ravioli, who also, thought it was pretty cool.
Coincidence? Maybe.
Am I a Geek? No doubt.

Closer To Fine

2 nights of 2 new classes behind me! Wooohooo!
Tonight's class was great. It's going to be tough one. But the instructor is great & I'll get a lot out of this one.
I enjoyed getting involved in discussions & not instantly be taken for being 'argumentative', disruptive or riled-up. I didn't feel at all bad for putting my thoughts out there - even if, at times, I was just playing Devil's Advocate for the sake of interesting discussion. It feels good not be misunderstood.
For Once.