10/29/07

Cellophane. Shoulda Been My Name.

I'm almost afraid to post this.
No. Scratch that.
I am afraid to post this.

I've put myself out there before in this here spot before with pretty messy consequences.
But I've got to get some of this out in an attempt to clear my mind, in an attempt to work it through and let it go.
I'm hoping that when it's all said and done, I will watch it float away.
A red balloon of my irrational thoughts that I will send out in the void.
I will let them go and watch them float of into oblivion until they are the size of a pinhead and then disappear.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I had a feeling that, after a few quiet days and some physical labor, in the form of intense cleaning and heavy lifting of household furniture, that there would be an internal break.
A flood.
The dams and leveys that have been holding me back were bound to break.

Last night, in bed, it happened.
I broke.
My head ached like I've never had my head ache before.
The pain so intense.
Usually, crying is a bittersweet release.
It only hurt more to cry. Physically hurt.
At one point, I said to Rav
I feel like I am on the brink of madness.

It took me about a half an hour of crying to get out one word.
A half an hour.
To speak but a few words.
To speak the words that I so fought against.
And when I finally had the ability to speak this is what I said ( in a nutshell):
I feel like I am completely forgettable.

Being the nice guy he is and the ever-devoted husband, he of course, argued this.
And it is a nice sentiment. Really. That he says that I am not.
But it doesn't change the fact that someone feels that way.
After an entire lifetime of feeling it.
Some of it may be self-inflicted and as a result/circumstances of an ever-changing life.
Some of it may be my inability to properly cultivate relationships - in real life and out here.
Some of it may simply be residual hauntings of a past life.
Which, despite all of my personal growth and status as a "big-girl", leaves me still feeling it from time to time.

Now don't get me wrong.
I'm airing.
I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After a few more dull thuds of pain behind my eyeballs and forehead, I managed to get out that I believe this emotional upheaval I've been facing is a direct result of my reiki treatment.
Rav was not pleased to hear me say this. Not in the least bit.

I don't think she did this to me. Quite the opposite. It was there already. But the treatment was like a hot compress to a pimple. It just drew out what was already there.

I began discussing how I feel disconnected from my BFF, from my other close girl-friend, this here blog and the people I've been trying to cultivate relationships with, even Three Dog Night Dad.
I told him how someone once told me the reason people "forget about me" is because I am often too laid back and not demanding enough - I'm not the squeaky wheel.
I'm the one people turn to, IRL, but when it comes time for me to need someone, everyone else has vacated.
And I just hold it all in.
Until the damn breaks.
Which it always does.
And what a mess it makes.

Rav's response to my blubbering purging was that I am fiercely loyal. I am strong, independent - a giver. I give so much of myself and expect so much from myself, so I in-turn, expect a lot from others.
The problem with this, he indicates, is that most people are not willing to give back, equally.

And I see his point.
To a certain extent.

I don't give of myself simply for what I will gain in return.
I don't offer up my loyalties and my friendship hoping to gain any "extras".
I do it because it is me and it is in my heart to do so.
And for no other reasons.

Right now, it is just a lonely place to be.
And I hope that it is just my irrational feelings
that are leaving me with the impressions
of being forgettable.

15 ripples in the pond:

KC said...

Oh Tabba, I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way, feeling this pain. It's so brave of you to write this and I hope it is able to float away, having worked itself to the surface.

I think you are a wonderful, loving, generous soul and while this is not a pity party, know that you are a valued blog friend. xo

thailandchani said...

Okay... in total honesty:

I think we are all eminently forgettable. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. You touch lives daily without even realizing it and that flows forth into the general "atmosphere" we all live in .. together.

Let me put it this way: You might say something here on this blog that isn't even particularly significant to you. It just might be exactly what someone needs to hear at that moment.

Five years from now, they might not remember "I read that on Tabba's blog".. but they will be living it.

And in that regard, none of us are forgettable.

I think highly of you. I think highly of you because I respect you. I respect your values and the way you live. You already know that though because I told you some time in the while-ago past. But at the end of the day, does that really matter so much?

In ten years, you won't remember who I am. I won't remember who you are. But that's okay because both of our lives will be affected by knowing each other now.

All we have is right now ~ this moment.

All that to say... go a bit easier on yourself. You're too young to worry about immortality. :)

I'm glad you wrote this.. put it out on the table.

(And, btw, no one can *demand* to be remembered.. or respected.. so I disagree with the person who said that to you.)

Just a few thoughts. :)

flutter said...

if it would help you to know, I feel this every single day.

liv said...

I have heard of some pretty intense reactions to reiki, seen some come out of yoga classes, and of course, in massage. Intention in any treatment is very important. I am going to email you a set I recommend for balance. xoxo

Tricia said...

You just spoke my heart. But you have no idea how relevant those feelings are to my own existence.

The care and concern you have given me as I'm evolving has been so wonderful. And I will never forget you...ever.

I hope you can view this as a catharsis. You are going through your own human evolution into a bigger, better, stronger form of you. Shedding your skin, so to speak... The reiki was not a bad thing, if this is you growing from it.

Big, tight bear hugs to you! I love you, my sister!

deb said...

I feel the same way sometimes too sweetie. Sending a hug.

pgoodness said...

I think we all feel forgettable sometimes, friend. And other times, we want to be. For what it's worth, not knowing you in person, I think you are unforgettable. And Chani speaks the truth eloquently, as usual. Hang in there...

P.S. If it helps, my hubby seems to have a bloggy crush on you and dedicated his blog to cheering you up today! :-)

Oh, The Joys said...

(((you)))

jen said...

oh honey.

we are all forgettable. and how freeing is that. it's all so finite, so trivial in the end so all that's left for us to do is our best and make each day matter.

that that legacy is what you will leave your children.

existential crisis, brought on by reiki. maybe. and how extraordinary is that for you to get to a place so many fight against all of their lives. it's freeing, isn't it?

i think it is. because now you are free to be imperfect!

and yet i am not minimizing the pain you are feeling - it's real. and you are a a beautiful woman, Tab. You are.

Karen Forest said...

I hate that you are hurting.

You are not forgettable to those who matter. Those will never forget you or who you are.

As for everyone else.....well....sometimes it is better to be forgettable than to be remembered for all the wrong things.

Look into your childrens eyes. They don't lie.

Tabba said...

Thank you all for your thoughts and insights.
YOu all made me smile as I read your lovely comments.

I adore ALL of you.

And you too, Phenom. Thanks for the post linky-love.

Joker The Lurcher said...

you know enough about me to know why i feel like this a lot and i suspect that the same reasons are why you feel like it.

but what i have found is that having my son has made a huge difference - our kids are the people who will never forget us (whether for good or bad!) and our kids will benefit from how bereft we felt as children because we will never, ever let them feel like that. the most important thing we will ever do is being good, kind, loving parents, and those of us who know the other side of that coin know just how important that is. hugs to you.

Tabba said...

Joker - thank you. thank you for saying all of that.

and you hit the nail right on the head.

Aliki2006 said...

Forgive me for not getting to this post until today.

It's ironic, really, because I often feel the same way you do and I've been battling my own existential crisis about it as well--things have been bad and difficult around here.

You are so important, in so many ways--and it's normal, I think, to feel the way you do. But it's hard, as well, to shoulder that burden.

I hope we can meet some day--I really do...

Pippajo said...

I know blog friends are no substitue for real life friends.

I know I've been MIA for so long and have no right to interject here.

I know it's very easy to offer kind words then flit carelessly away, but very hard to be left with the intense feelings you're dealing with.

But I also know that to me, you are very memorable. I can't imagine being drawn back again and again to read things written by someone I'd never met if that someone was forgettable.

I know it's small consolation. But I wanted you to know, whatever that's worth. And I'll be praying for you as you seek to answer these questions deep in your soul. Again, for whatever that's worth.