11/28/06

Head Full of Lightning and A Hat Full of Rain

Lately I've been on a journey. As I've said before, I don't really know where I'm going. I don't know where the road is leading me. But I have this scary, awesome feeling that it's taking me somewhere thrilling. This blog, relaying some of my stories, returning to school - all of these things are part of this bigger picture that is being pieced together for the evolution - the metamorphosis, if you will. It's exciting and scary.
Today I got to thinking about how cowardly I had been for so long. About how strong I felt on the inside, but was too worried about others to really be myself. I still feel scared at times. Most people, I think, can't handle me or what I have to say. They see me, often times, as argumentative, intimidating (this one shocks me, but apparently, I am), negative, bitter, uptight, etc. But really all that it is, is that I feel strongly about things that mean something to me & I am animated. I enjoy a good debate. But what I don't enjoy is when you have to take a low-blow just so you can leave the debate feeling like you've accomplished something. If you can't stand on the merit of your own thoughts, leave the cheap shots out of it.
Anyway, I get passionate and feel passionately about women and women's issues. I feel passionate about being kind, human-to-human. I am not wired to feel passion in a quiet, demure way that is pleasing to everyone. I wish that I were wired that way. Instead, I'm wired to be loud and firm and steadfast.
It has taken me quite awhile to come to grips with this. Because I think people that are afraid to face their own ideas on norms and aren't willing to listen or be in a passionate discussion, aren't going to like me. People are afraid they're going to 'set me off' or get me 'riled up'. Who cares? I enjoy hearing where people are coming from & I enjoy in engaging them as well. I don't want to fight. But I just feel that it's ok to be passionate.
So, back to my cowardly ways. I got thinking about how I want my children to be passionate. To be aware and take part in making a difference. I want, my daughter especially, to be aware of what it means to be a woman. To see the double-standards and inequalities and stand up for them. Or scratch that, stand up for anything that she feels is right. I don't want her to be afraid to open her mouth, I don't want her to feel like she has to shed her personality like clothing and wear only certain articles of it for certain people. I hope that they can stay true to who they really are.
As I'm standing in front of my closet, dusting off the parts of my personality that I've long ago hung up and neatly put away, I'm no longer concerned about whether people are 'ok' with it. I'm on a mission to do the work and fight for things that need to be fought for. I'm ready to be scared and happy doing it. It'll be a wild ride. But I'm ready.
What better message can I send to my children? If I just do, then they will see and learn and be.
The other day, Bill Clinton was on Ellen. Ellen asked him about Hilary running for office. His response was, "Whatever she wants to do is fine with me. I'll suit up and play."
Bryan, Connor and Gracie.....suit up. Mommy's on a mission, come along for the ride.

5 ripples in the pond:

Oh, The Joys said...

[OTJ raises power fist in solidarity!]

jen said...

standing up....

wildly applauding you...

bravo, sister, bravo.

Jon said...

"I don't want her to feel like she has to shed her personality like clothing and wear only certain articles of it for certain people."

Tab, that's a brilliant analogy - I really like it. (That being said, I'll still have a silent chuckle at the irony if Gracie decides she wants to be a cheerleader ;)

Tabba said...

If she really wants to be a cheerleader....I'll have to concede, I guess....I really don't want to hold either of them back from anything they want to do....I might not like it. But I'll try to suck it up ;)

Hev said...

How totally cool & how totally the right thing to do!!

The point is not that she may want to be a cheerleader is it? (I find this weird because I don't really know if this is supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing!) but more than she can feel happy choosing to be whatever she wants to be! as we all should be.

But I think you're right & that we all have this 'pretence' of what we think people think we should be (a bit convoluted, but I think you get what I mean). It takes guts to step away from that, but I hope your journey takes you to wonderful places & as they say "May You Live In Interesting Times!"