Staring Crazy Right In The Face

Tuesdays while Gracie is at school, I head over to my friend Beth's house for chit-chat and coffee. Sometimes these chit-chat sessions end up being purging sessions. I have entered her house early on Tuesday mornings upbeat & happy...and have left there spent from crying and purging. That might not sound all that appealing. But considering, I might spend $100 an hour somewhere else to do the same thing, it's not all that bad.

She understands and listens to my thoughts regarding these shifts that are going on. The fact that I've become comfortable with my own head/self. My thoughts on things. The fact that something is changing within me.

What I haven't talked about in great detail is this fog that I've been in the past few weeks. The fact that little or no effort has been put into blogging lately. Little or no effort has been put into cleaning my house. And I have absolutely no energy. I'm trying to wear my happy face and not panic. I don't want my inner thoughts regarding this to shine through. But the fact is that I'm scared.

I don't know what is wrong. I'm skating by on a day-to-day basis with the bare minimum. The momentum and energy I had just a few short weeks ago is a very distant memory. I have comforted myself with the idea that it is just the natural shift. That all things ebb & flow.

I have had some emotional upheavals lately & that this could certainly contribute to how I've been feeling. But what I think I'm most afraid to admit to myself is that I could, quite possibly, be depressed.

OH, the horror of that ugly, ugly word.

I'm not a big follower of the Zodiac. However, I think some things can generally hold true for some of it. That being said, I am a Libra. And that means balance, justice, fairness. That also means that our surroundings play a huge role in how we feel. I am affected by the fact that things in the winter become so dreary, I am affected by the fact that my house is not right at this particular point. I have two....yes TWO sofas in my small living room right now & it's driving me mad. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. There are piles of crap everywhere I turn. Piles of toys, piles of clothes, piles of magazines/papers. All I need is 7oo cats & I'd be cooking with gas. I'm not an anal clean-freak person. But things do have to feel right. And they just don't. I am to the point of crawling into our new ride and driving as far as I can until I can't go anymore.

In my mind, everything is neglected. And the hole seems to be getting deeper & I don't know how to dig out. Meh.

Now that I'm done whining I wanted to personally acknowledge a few people:

Slackermommy: I've been reading when I can. I'm sorry I haven't been there like I want to be. Apologies suck, in my mind, I just need to DO. I'll work on it.

Pippajo: Thanks for always being there. I'm sorry I've been absent.

Oh, the Joys!: Your humor is one of the things that keeps me going. Sorry I've been lacking on the comments over your way.

Jen: I hope you have had a wonderful vacation & sorry I haven't commented over your way either.

Deb: Same thing....I love reading what you have to say. But my comments your way are lacking. I'm a shit.

I know I'm forgetting others, so I apologize to you all as well.

I think what I need is a swift kick in the arse. I'm trying to find what it is that is going on & fix it. But it might take awhile. So, if I'm not around much, I'm sorry. But I'm trying & I'll do my best.

7 ripples in the pond:

maigh said...

I'm of the school that says spend the $100, see a professional and get an Rx because it's entirely possible what's going on is something a friend alone can't help you through. That's why we don't all get white lab coats and a team of nurses. 

Been there, done that, several times over. In as much as you've gone to various docs to find a physical reason for the struggle, it would be negligent not to explore a mental reason. You've as much as said it by tagging this post "mental health"...

Nothing to lose, everything to gain.

If it is depression (or even SAD, which isn't unusual) then it's completely treatable and the icky-icky yuk-yuk needn't continue.

My father used to like to say "one form of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". So...let's try something different?


Tabba said...

Maigh - You're absolutely right...and what your dad says, I heard it from someone else recently too, so there's something to it.

I just made an appt. with my doc & have another appt. on Friday. Then I hung up & started bawling. Why is it that I feel I have to be so strong? Hmm.

And, thanks. I needed to hear all of that!

Joker The Lurcher said...

it certainly sounds like depression to me. i've been there a few times and i'm still on prozac at the moment. you mention emotional upheaval - that was certainly the trigger for me this time. my son was in a really bad place last summer and then almost straight after that my husbands kidneys started failing.

both of them are much better now and it wasn't until things settled down that i got depressed. my stepmum says it is because you use up all your adreniline.

i certainly find prozac a huge help - it doesn't work for everyone and maybe you need something different. the thing is that meds can help lift you enough to take proper advantage of talking therapies. hope you get the help you need. do remember you are not alone!

Jen R. said...

hi tabba,

i've spent the 100 bucks in the past when i felt it was absolutely necessary... and the biggest lesson i was taught is this: GO EASY ON YOURSELF! for real. you are in school, you are a mom to two young kids, you are a wife, a friend, a blogger, etc. your blog and your blogging friends seem to be a great source of pleasure in your life. i say try not to feel guilty when you go through a slow blog patch. remind yourself often to not be hard on yourself. i know your issue may not be your thyroid, but i would be very curious to know what your TSH level was. when my TSH gets above 3 or so (which is still considered "NORMAL" by most docs), i start to feel like a slug and my whole outlook on life changes.

also, it can take some shopping around for a good therapist. no different than finding a good hairdresser or family doctor. some are good, some are not. and i would be wary of someone who wants to stick you on meds right away without sufficient reason.

at any rate, hopefully these warmer temps will help a little!


Pippajo said...

Oh, Sweetie, I know, no really, I do!

Is it depression, an endocrine problem, SAD, just normal SAHM stuff? I must ask myself those questions a MILLION times a day!

It's a frustrating process (one that I am smack dab in the middle of myself) but I think it might help to work closely with your doctor to rule out anything physiological first, which it sounds like you're doing. If there is nothing, definitely try meds and therapy. It is expensive (I couldn't sleep last night worrying about the money we're spending for me to pour my guts out to someone), but try to look at it the same way you would look at a physical illness. If you were diagnosed with a physical illness that required extra money to manage and even cure, you would probably be more likely to spend the money for the sake of your physical health. Your emotional and mental health are just as important, maybe more so. For some reason, so many of us tend to think we can get away with letting our emotional needs slide. Don't do that to yourself! As The Viking keeps reminding me, your family needs you to be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.

Sometimes it's just one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Sometimes that's all we can handle. And that's okay.

Hang in there. I don't know what else to say, except that I'll be thinking of you and checking in often.

Oh, The Joys said...

Tabba - I hope you feel better soon. If it's any consolation, I'm in a funk too - can't get motivated about my job or much.

Thinking of you...


Jurgen Nation said...

I know that "not right" feeling too well, and you've described it perfectly. I joke that it's the OCD in me, but whatever it is, it sucks. It feels like there's too much stuff that the walls are closing in and soon you can't breathe. It's absolutely terrible to endure. For me, it's my depression - it does things to me that I don't understand. If there are too many papers or shoes lying about I get shaky and jerky, thinking, "oh my god get this shit OUT OF HERE, I can't breathe." At the same time, I'm not particularly motivated to do anything about it.

Sigh. Probably not a good comment to delurk with, but whatev. ;)

I'm reading you through Indie Bloggers and I'm really glad to have you as a member! - stacy