Growing Up - Mothers Be Good To Your Daughters

Without getting too much into how backward & dysfunctional my mom's side of the family is, I'll just say that it always felt like it was me and them. Or them & me. I love my mom & her side of the family the way you love breathing. They were not at all encouraging, positive or "right". I somehow always felt smothered & any move I made in a positive direction would land me with remarks like: "you think you're so much better....", and "just because you do _____, don't think you're any better than us.", and "you're going to end up pregnant at 16, just like you're mother." Yeah. Needless to say, that my mother carried on her own traditions of negativity & smothering. I felt like the very essence of my personality was something to be extinguished. And man, did she (& they) try. It was with that, that I became rebellious. Actually, the whole chicken & the egg theory could apply here. Based on genetics, I think I had a very strong pull towards rebelliousness, but by trying to do the very thing she didn't want, my mom ended up with that exact thing. Fundamentally, on every level, my mom & I are just far apart on everything. She's ultra-pure conservative. I'm ultra-liberal. She's bible beating religious. I'm more of a spiritual-to-myself type person. She's not into anything intellectual. I am. And so on, and so on. My mom & I have traveled a long, hard road together. Me feeling uncared for, pushed aside, trampled on & barely provided for, emotionally, as well as, my mother's keeper. I imagine my mother has her feelings too, but I can't speak for her.

When Ravioli & I got pregnant, I vowed to never inflict any of the madness that I was exposed to on the baby-to-be Connor. None of the instability, the emotional warfare, the stifling of the personality. And that's just the stuff that I can mention here. I vowed a different life for my children. 5 years later, I falter. I stumble & bumble & barely can find my way sometimes. But I know that I am in-tune with my children.

Last year was a tough year. I felt all alone as a parent, as a woman. I was fighting innumerable battles in my attempt to find help for my son to overcome whatever was going on with him. I knew in my gut 'something' was going on. But everywhere I turned, I got the "you're crazy.", "he's just a boy.", "he's immature." and the like. It got old. It got old feeling so alone. Through so much strife and toil, we finally figured out what was going on with Connor, got him some help, got him in a preschool program that fits him & all is well. I'll never forget how vindicated I felt when we finally got a diagnosis & lastly, when we finally got him into the preschool. I didn't want a public declaration that I am "The World's Best Mother" or anything like that. I just wanted people to say, "You are his mother. You know what's best for him. Good for you for fighting the good fight for him." In a word: validation.

And most of all, though I had given up on the notion long ago, validation from my mother. To her daughter. As a (now) mother. I never thought the day would come. But it did. And it felt better than I ever thought it would. And I needed it more than I ever thought I would.

We were on the phone (my mom & I) and she said how she ran into an old acquaintance, who had asked about Connor & Gracie. My mom told them how they were doing and said, "Tabitha has done such a great job with them. I couldn't have asked for a better mom for those two kids than her. She does such a great job." I was stunned when she told me. And maybe the friend scenario didn't happen. That may have just been her way of relating the story. All I know is that my mom has grown up. I am still growing. And that is a huge step along the road that my mom & I have traveled together.