Ever Since I Was A Young Girl, I Played The Silver Ball

I've been having a pinball week. That probably makes no sense.

Think of a pinball machine. You pull back the lever, which pushes the pinball up the shoot and

Ping! roll, bounce. Ping! roll, bouncebouncebounce.

That is what it is like inside of my head. My thoughts are like the ball. They are solid, they have a direction. As soon as the initial thought hits my conciousness: Ping!...bouncebouncebounce. Ping!
It's driving me insane. My paddles aren't working well or long enough to keep one thought in play for a substantial amount of time. There's just too much. So many thoughts behind the ones before it. Bouncing off my frontal lobe, temporal lobe, jumping synapses.
For example, while looking for pictures for my island post, I saw a picture I took on the island. A beautiful picture of brown volcanic mountains, lush green grasses, skies so blue. But BLAM! there's a bunch of powerlines. It was so....shocking. A complete shock to the system. Sort of like the Sesame Street game..."One of these things just doesn't belong here. One of these things just isn't the same."
Then that got me thinking about the route I take home from my mother's house. On a beautiful scenic route, we have to pass through a Valero oil refinery. Lovely scenery that offers, let me just tell you. Everytime I pass through, I try to hold my breath hoping that by breathing as little as possible it will save me from cancer cells at a later date. Crazy? Yes. But that's just me. Anyway, on evenings when driving home, you can see deer. Yes, deer, all around the big oil tanks. Walking around, laying in the grass, eating. Again...shocking. Frightening. And again, I sing a song to myself, "One of these things just doesn't belong here. One of these things just isn't the same." It pains me to see these innocent little deer on the bad side of the barbed wire fences that keep them bound to eat, what I'm sure to be, tainted grass.
Then the issue of tainted grass and the deer gets me thinking about how I am disappointed in not joining all the smart, lovely ladies over at Jen's place who put their hearts and thoughts into the Just Post. I'm quite disappointed in myself for not doing this.
That got me thinking of time, or better said, lack-there-of. I cannot throw together a thought regarding an important topic and put it out there. I'm not able to sit and write eloquently enough. Where's my time going?
That then leads to my blog & where I want it to go. The direction it has taken has not been at all what I thought it would. But that's a good thing. I'm happy with being part of a thoughtful, smart, caring, positive community of women. Who all bring something wonderful to the table. They are understanding, supportive and emapthetic. Though I'm not as involved as I would like to be, it feels good to have my big toe in the big pool.
That leads to my readership and comments. Why is it that I feel disappointed when I get little or no comments? When, truth-be-told, I started this blog for me. The intent was for it to be a creative outlet for my thoughts/ideas. But I've become wrapped up in readership, or rather, gaining one. And getting people's thoughts, opinions and feedback. Is it that age-old social acceptance...wanting to be liked/popular? Whatever it is, I need to work it out.

See what I mean? Classes have started up again this week. I'm exhausted. And I can't quiet my thoughts or stop their incoherent, incomplete stream.

"That deaf, dumb, blind kid sure plays a mean pinball." ~ The Who

6 ripples in the pond:

Pippajo said...

Ping! Ping! Ping! What a great metaphor. I lie awake at night like this a lot. Sometimes I catch myself at it and try to make a game out of tracing the path backwards to see if I can arrive back at what started it all. Oh to be like my husband who falls asleep seconds after his head hits the pillow!

I understand, truly I do. This, in fact, is my biggest problem with my blog. I cannot focus long enough on any one thing in order to write about it. I'll have a great idea for a really amusing, creative blog post in the morning, and by the time I get to the computer, it's lost, buried under so many other silly things.

Sigh. I get caught up in the comment thing too. And I tend to feel insecure about my blog when I surf around and read other people's blogs. It's like I'm in junior high again and everybody else's clothes or hair looked better than mine just cause they weren't mine.

Do I have a point? I probably intended to, but who knows now what it was.

Well, I still check here every time I get on the computer. If you have a stat counter you probably know just how much that is. And always know that even if I'm not commenting, I'm always reading. And thinking. You make me think a lot.

Keep on keeping on.

Tabba said...

Pip - you know...you know. Just how much your words mean.
And I can relate to each and every sentence you typed.
You took the words outta my mouth.

jen said...

what a great metaphor. i, too, am totally exhausted. just got home from our emergency shelter and am overwhelmed and exhausted and not even able to totally comprehend your post but came to say HI YOU anyways.

Slackermommy said...

Great post and I know what you mean about wanting to be popular. I often feel insecure about my blog because I tend to keep it light and a way to get validation when hubby is a jerk. It seems everyone else is writing deep thought provoking topics and quite honestly I tend to run from many of those posts. I'm such an analytical person, a worrier who tends to get depressed so I use blogging as an escape. When I read amazing thought provoking posts I feel like a shallow dumb blonde who only writes about her family and dumb jokes. If you want more readers then find several blogs you like and build a relationship with the writer and I promise to keep coming around because I think you are fab!

deb said...

I know what you mean. I started this blog because I wanted to write and it was for me but I feel bad when there are no comments which doesn't make sense. I read other people's blogs and think, wow, these people are smart, or funny or deep and then I think mine sucks. I guess we all do that. I think the reason I feel bad when there are no comments is because I'm looking for a connection and a community. I spend a lot of time alone, especially in the evenings. Katie goes to bed at 6pm and my husband works evenings and nights, my son is gone and my middle daughter is usually with her friends. I'm lonely and this is how I can connect with others. I'm like Pippa, I check often, can't wait to read what people have written that's new. It's funny how we all sit in our homes at our computers but we are all reaching out to each other and all have an impact, however small, on each other. Everything makes a difference, no matter how small. Now I'm rambling and I can hear Katie banging on her door to get up. Gotta go.

Joker The Lurcher said...

i am lucky in that my blog (well at least the one that most people read - i have another one that i use for the serious stuff) is flippant and light because it written by my dog. my day job is quite heavy at times so i don't want to have to think hard when i blog.

i watch yours all the time on a thing called newsfire and i always read it. sorry if i don't always comment. its not lack of interest but lack of inspiration on my part! keep it up!