1/21/07

Silently Singing Loudly

How is this possible? You ask yourselves. Oh, it is.
It so is.
Explain. You're saying to your computer screen.

Why, thanks for asking me to explain. Explain I will. Just follow me here.

Right now, I'm reading two books. Technically 3. These are just my pleasure reading books. I am reading The Time Traveler's Wife, On Beauty, and the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. I'm not too far along in The Time Traveler's Wife because I am reading the curious incident.... for a book club meeting on January 30th. And On Beauty has taken a backseat to the aforesaid books and to school.
I seriously digress.

As I have been reading the curious incident.... it has occurred to me that I may be Autistic. And I'm not saying that to be crude, mean, demeaning or insensitive. But I see some definite similarities in my lines of thinking. It also has given me great insight into some of Connor's thought processes. He was not diagnosed with Autism, but some of his Sensory stuff falls in the Autism spectrum.
I would like to share this book with my mom who works with an Autistic adult.

That got me thinking about what someone would think if they just walked off the street and into my house & caught me at the computer. See, the computer is in our livingroom. When I'm sitting at the computer, my back is to our front door.
When Ravioli is watching TV or playing Playstation and I am on the computer, I plug in the headphones, do my thing on the 'net & listen to my playlist.
I crank the music out. But I can't sing out loud. That would be embarrassing for me. And excruciating for Rav.
So I find myself rocking in a 'dancing' motion all over the place in the computer chair, grooving my head all over the place, banging my hands to the beat of the music, moving my feet in tapping motions and mouthing the words to all of the songs.
Quite a sight to behold.

So, imagine one's surprise if they didn't know me. And saw me gyrating like that. They would have to think that something is just not quite right.
And well, frankly it's not. I'm a certified nutter. I've made my peace with it. And obviously so have you....for you read my stuff. You visit me here and know that I'm a bit wonky.

But seriously....what a sight that must be. I almost wish that I could float above my body, to see what kind of spectacle I am making of myself.
And then I wonder what Rav must think as he sees me out of the corner of his eye, doing the Elaine dance in the computer chair. I wonder if he's scared, amused, bemused or makes a mental note to himself to call the local psych. hospital. First.thing.in.the.morning.

I wish that I could sing as I sit here....But I Can't.
Though, these times when I'm forced to become mute, and dance from the top of my head down to my tapping feet, I feel the music a lot more, when I have to rely on my body to do the singing.
I'm almost convinced that if you really paid attention, you could figure out the song by watching my body. Because usually one part is "playing" the bass line, another lead guitar, another rhythm guitar, my head and/or feet generally plays percussion, my torso seems to follow the horns if there are any and if you could read lips that would be a great help too, as I'm generally mouthing they lyrics.

So, that's how I silently sing music loudly.
And contemplate the fact that my thought processes seem a lot like Christopher Boone's in the book the curious incident....
And if someone walked in my house and saw me at the computer, they'd have to agree that I'm just a little off.

And this crazy, rambling post is just one more piece of evidence for the jury.

5 ripples in the pond:

Joker The Lurcher said...

i loved this! since our son was diagnosed both his dad and i have found all sorts of autistic traits in ourselves. it is a source of much mirth in our house and allows our son to see how it really is a spectrum and that most of us are on it to some degree.

my sister has a theory that autism is the next stage in human development and that it will be necessary for more people to be technically brilliant and able to focus in that way.

the curious incident is the best explanation i have ever read of aspergers - my son has the cd and loved it.

so keep on flapping!

Tabba said...

I agree with you Joker. That we all have some tendencies and the fact that we ALL do is evidence that we all need to be a bit more tolerant. For we just never know.

The book is brilliant. It's like taking a walk inside their mind and seeing plain-as-day what is going on. And so much of their outward actions, thoughts are a mystery. But to 'read' the process and then see an end result, to me, is fascinating.

It's funny you mention the next stage, or evolution. My brother was diagnosed with ADD (Connor with ADHD). And my brother said he thinks that ADD/ADHD and Autism is evolution at work. He thinks that it is nature's way of equipping folks to 'multi-task' and so on.

Good stuff & I'm glad you enjoyed, for I was afraid that this post would offend some & that certainly is the farthest thing from my true intent....

Slackermommy said...

I love your nuttiness! I think it's endearing and I'm sure Rav does too. Think of all the calories you are burning.

Pippajo said...

Honestly, if I peeped in and saw someone wigging out at their computer, I think I would totally get it. I've seen people doing that in their cars at intersections and stuff and I just look at them like, "Rock on, my friend, rock on!"

But maybe that's cause I'm known to behave oddly myself.

I've actually been thinking of composing a TT list of 13 things I regularly do when no one is looking or something like that. If I can manage to REMEMBER TT this week, that is.

Sorry, for the rambly comment, it's late, I'm tired and I'm supposed to be going to bed. I am on probation, after all.

Hev said...

Loved the curious incident. Helped explain a lot about a guy I used to work with & really makes you think about how you relate to the world.

Also, love the singing. I totally understand the whole want to sing but can't. Have actually been listening to my ipod at work more and more (allows me to keep my concentration) so I've really been working on the whole 'keeping it inside' thing!!