1/31/07

Mrs. Incredible Ponders Persona



I started this little blog this past July. I had a little blip whereby I deleted the whole blog, with some pretty good posts, by accident and had to start all over. No big deal.
But I went into this because, after staying home with two wee ones for 2 years, I needed something for me.
I saw some of the mommy blogs out there. Some of them were really good & I enjoy(ed) reading them. Some of them were too much for me (and that is OK - that's their thing....not necessarily mine). Since, at that time, really the only thing I thought I had to draw on was, being a mommy, that's mostly what I blogged about. All well and good, I suppose. But as I started typing, and my thoughts and feelings started flowing, the thought occurred to me: why must you only blog about mommy hood? Tab, you are more than just a mom. You can blog about more than just the kids. That hit me like a sloppy, cold, wet lasagna noodle in my face. This space was mine. I could type about pretty much anything I wanted or anything that occurred to me. And as I have many more interests than just one, I took(take) that liberty.
The change sort of just happened. Not that being a mommy isn't important. It certainly is. It's just not the only thing that is important, nor the only thing that defines me. If today, I wanted to talk about...oh, I don't know, soil sedimentation, that's cool. That's what I'll blog about.

Along the way, I've passed blog paths with some pretty cool people. People that I like to relate to, despite differences or vocations. People that make me laugh, make me think, make me happy just by being on their site. And I hope that I've done the same for them. I don't always have the perfect things to say to them about whatever it is they're typing about, but mostly I can, in one way or another relate. I've found support here, within the confines of computer screen pixels.
And I've found a spot where, for the time being, I can be creative. I can be as poetic, dramatic, flighty, human, inhuman, funny, not funny, etc that I want to be.
With that though, I hope that I can relay some of my true personality. The things I type about mean something to me and they do reflect me. I do want to keep this thing real. It is an extension of me. And I do find, that I have to censor certain aspects of a post. I have to sometimes not post about something for one reason or another. Sometimes, things are so important, so close, so raw that I can't find the proper words to do them justice. Even though, in my mind, they're screaming to be let loose - to find their home here - with some of my other thoughts. Maybe in time, I can find the proper form, the proper prose to put them in. Until then, they swim around, a mere fetus of a post, waiting all warm and snug, until I can pop them out into this cold, sometimes cruel world.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to stay true to myself. And I find that it can be hard when hit with the reality that a one-dimensional post pops up on a computer screen. Only some of my true self can be reflected. As they are just words, with no intonation, no facial expressions. Any one person can read what I put down here and interpret it and turn it around to mean something that fits into a context with which they'd like to put it. Some people can read it and see straight through to my left ventricle or my frontal lobe. Others will only see spiderwebs or coal. Beauty is in the eye......
This is all the consequence of the written word, I suppose.

I struggle with whether or not a reader can see my heart through some of my posts. If they can tell that I really am human. That I'm not just a machine that instantly and robotically produces prefabbed blither. And then I go back to, well if I do this for me, then why do I even care about that? This is such a public forum, so grow a thick skin or take this whole thing down to the ground. But then the answer comes and it is this: Because you do care, because you have a heart, because you are human.

The road that has led me to this post today, hasn't been a planned one. It just happened. And I'm happy with the fruits so far. And I imagine I'll keep going. So what if, on some days, I don't have the perfect things to say? So what if, I bumble or type for a week about how bad my PMS is? Someone out there is feeling my pain. And that is what this has eventually led to, for me....sharing, empathizing, relating, community. Maybe if we all lived in the same town or city, we'd be typing a paper together, organizing a huge playgroup, working on an agenda for _______ issue, walking in the park, planting a tree, opening an organic fruit & veggie stand. But for now, we share this space. And I just hope that I'm doing it and myself justice.

Let me add here, that this is not meant to be a stroking session......I am merely placing my thoughts as they have come out regarding my blog, my thoughts on how it has come about, etc.

I'd like to hear from you all.....how did your blog start, what was the initial intent? How do you reconcile having to (possibly) censor or hold things back.....Do you question whether or not your true self shines through?

5 ripples in the pond:

Oh, The Joys said...

I started my blog to make my husband laugh at work. So my blog is filled with silly, puerile stories.

I have a really serious job which I never write about and I only rarely post serious posts.

So I guess I believe the blog world does only see a part of me - the really big ass dopey side, but whatever.

I always try to imagine him reading and then I try not to worry about anyone beyond that.

(Though I have caved on my original vow never to blog about blogging.)

Tabba said...

I LOVE your stories, you ability to find humor in anything and the way you are able to type it....you have a great gift & I'm glad that I get to see that side of you. I certainly understand your need to relieve the tension of a serious job by being humorous.

But again, it is whatever we want it to be and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I hate to admit to myself that I've blogged about blogging....but, eh whaddayagonnado?

Thanks for sharing, Jess.

deb said...

I started my blog because I like writing, it's a way to get things out of my head. I do find it difficult sometimes to just write what I want to write about, a part of me always knows that other people read my blog, that it's in a public forum. But I kind of spill my guts in person as well, so I'm used to it and so is my family.
How do I come across? I don't know. I think my writing comes out much more stilted then I would like. I would like the words to flow effortlessly and with great wisdom. What I tend to get is messy, lumpy gobs of feelings, spilling everywhere.
My true self, I'm not sure I have a true self. It changes, constantly, it's more like the sand in the desert. You know it's sand, but everyday it looks different. I'm rambling. Loved your post.

jen said...

tab,
i am not going to talk about me. i am going to talk about you. about how your sweet persona shines through in your writing. about how you are true and passionate and honest and loving. about your zeal for life, for Rav, for the babes...

it's all you. and it shines through every day.

Pippajo said...

You know, it's interesting, when I started blogging, I was frustrated because I felt I couldn't be myself (because of my own restrictiveness, not anyone else's). Now, it's one of the places I feel I am most myself. Sure there are things I purposefully do not blog about, but that's because I've made the choice not to, not because I feel that I can't.

I originally intended to have a house blog, a chronicle of all the home improvement projects we have done and will continue to do. That was how I discovered blogging and I thought, "Hey, I could do that!" If you knew me well, you'd know what a rare thought that is for me, and why I was so impelled to act on it.

My blog has now become my makeshift diary, coffee chat, Q & A forum, sounding board and favorite toy. I never dreamed it would become any of those.

I used to fret about what to post (and what not to) and apologize for posts that I considered pointless or tiresome. But then I remembered, I'm (relatively)anonymous! And if I'm being myself, and my blog is just an extension of myself, why should I apologize to anyone for being myself? I would hate for anyone to try to dictate what I can and can't blog about (aside from normal standards of decency, of course) and I would hate for anyone who is sincerely intending to express themselves to feel they have to meet up to some sort of standard (again, aside from the normal standards of decency).

Be yourself. If someone can't handle you being yourself, that's THEIR problem. You said it yourself, if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.

Have I mentioned I really like your blog?