10/30/07

My Nature From My Nurture

I wanted to thank all of you for your kind words and your supportive comments.

And the general tone that my post conveyed was that of an existential crisis.
I thought I would take the time to clear up my vague-ness.

The existential crisis hit me in the earlier part of my 20's - shortly after giving birth to Connor.
Giving birth allowed me to look at death with a whole new set of eyes.
It allowed me to further look into legacies and what this whole thing called life is really about.
It left me sleepless and frantic many a night as I looked over in the bassinet at my new baby boy and asked the heavens to keep me alive as long as possible so I wouldn't miss out on anything.
But that is not what I am fighting today. Oh no. In fact, I would take the whole existential bit over what is floating up to the surface right now.

The forgotten feeling I was speaking of is a feeling of emotional isolation and abandonment.
A feeling so ingrained that it has become part of my self-concept.
This was not something that was taught systematically, like teaching a child to tie his or her shoes.
This was something that was learned by non-verbals, observations, and certain choices made over a my childhood lifetime by the adults in my life.
Unfortunately, it is still there.

The thing that is of great discomfort to me right now is that I have been facing the fact that it is happening again to me with other people in my life.
I'm left feeling like the little girl asking herself What is wrong with me? Why am I not worthy?

Over the years, I have learned to shake that.
And for quite awhile I have felt my new, true self take root.

However, the ghost of my youth is back.
And her heart aches.

She's working it out.
I know she is.
It's an icky, messy, painful process.
My adult mind and body has to act as the vehicle for all of these childhood pains to pass through.

Some of you, who have been reading long enough, know the back story. I've shared as much as I can out here. There is more to the story that I simply cannot find the words for tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I'm just not sure yet.

Joker, I want to thank you for your comment. If you had not said what you said on yesterday's post, I probably would not be doing this one. You read through exactly to what I was trying to say and I found such great comfort in it. Thank you, love. I know that I am not alone.

8 ripples in the pond:

Aliki2006 said...

Oh, Tabba--I posted below.

I've been feeling a bit abandoned, too; a bit as if I'm floating around, looking for something to grab hold of.

Sometimes these feelings take some time to work out, and I think the process of working them out is critical.

Take care of yourself--and like I said below, I DO hope we can meet someday and share these thoughts over coffee...

Tabba said...

Aliki - you are a doll. thank you.

and you know i agree whole-heartedly. we'll have to work this one out...i have not forgotten.

liv said...

Tab, just try to remember that all of us are surviving something. We all "crisis" from time to time. It is the stuff of the human experience. Not always pleasant, but definitely the stuff.

jen said...

hugs to you.

Joker The Lurcher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joker The Lurcher said...

sorry - i messed up my last one! here it is again:

tabba - i am so touched you mentioned me - i have a huge lump in my throat. i have just re-read all your posts about the past. and i'm going to put a link to my story here (i hope you don't mind) in solidarity with you.

deb said...

I have no words Tabba, I'm sorry. Nothing that will make it better or erase or ease what happened. Just sending a hug.

carrie said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon.

Sorry it's been a rough patch for you lately.