Peeking Out

I've been hiding out. And it's not good.
This is what I do when the contents of my mind are spilling out all over the place in an invisible puddle.
I'm trying desperately to wipe it up before anyone sees these thoughts.
But I'm afraid I'm getting caught.

My anxiety level is at a new, all-time high.
I'm not sleeping well.
And when I do fall asleep, I wake up in a fit of anxiousness and a swirling in my stomach.
My mind is poisoning my body right now.
It's just not good.

When I get like this, I retreat. From everything.
I'm here. But it's not me.

My role is changing. The role that I've been in for 4 years now. And I'm not handling the anticipation of this change well. The effects this change will have - the impact of it - I feel is falling completely on my shoulders.

I'm in a pit of unhappiness about my plans for attending Blogher falling through.
It's leaving me feeling like a cry-baby.
But I have been making these plans for months, and to have them fall through is crushing.

I'm not whining.
I swear.
I just need to air this out.
I need to acknowledge why I've been absent here and out there, with the rest of you.

Not only that, those two mega posts from last week, drained me. Mentally and physically. It's as if typing it deflated me somehow. Rather than leave me feeling lighter and relieved, it has left me dry for right now.

For now, I'm taking my leave.
It may be for a mere 2 hours.
It may be for 2 days.
It may be for 2 weeks.
But for right now. I just can't do this.

12 ripples in the pond:

jen said...

tabba, you do what you need to. you owe none of us anything except for your honesty, which you've offered generously.

this should feed you, not contribute to stressing you out. we'll be here cheering you on whether you are visiting or not, posting or not. because that is what it means to be part of a community. it's not about what you "give" but about who you are.

and we all have times like this - you are going through gigantic changes in your life. just be sure to let us know how we can support you through them. xo

thailandchani said...

Okay. I hope you will just allow me to ramble here.. because I want to see where this goes. Thinking about what you've said...

Here are the thoughts as they come:

1) If this is not feeding your spirit right now, you don't need to be doing it. You owe posting to no one. Yes, we will miss you. Yes, we want to know you are okay. But we also trust you to know and honor your own limits,

2) The changes you are experiencing right now are coming because it's one of those danged "growth spurts" that occur in all of our lives. They're troublesome and obnoxious, but somehow we come out the other side of it,

3) You are a simply charming, lovely young woman who is experiencing a rough spot (your statement that your children are your garden that you nurture is one I'll remember until the day I pass on) ... and I have absolute faith that you will cull all the wisdom you can from it,

4) And for now, breath in, breath out.. one step at a time.

Be well... wishing you all the best.



carrie said...

You don't need to explain things here, this is your place and like Jen said, if it's stressing you out, take a step back.

You are about to make a huge change in your life that will affect your family too - you know that, and being a mom (a wonderful one) you can't help but consider all the pros/cons of doing so and all that mommy-guilt that comes along with being a "decision maker". We all have it. It sucks.

Your posts last week were so insightful and I hope in some little way, you will eventually feel better for having written them. Maybe it will just take a little time.

Hang in there Tabba. Be well and take advantage of each day with those great kids of yours (and husband too). Nurture them, and don't forget about yourself while doing so! :)


Her Grace said...

I hope you're hanging in there. You've got a lot on your plate right now and stress is very understandable. Blogging is never an obligation and your readers will all be waiting for you if and when you're ready to go at it again. Until then, lots of good thoughts coming your way.

Joker The Lurcher said...

i can only say what everyone else said. i'm in the opposite situation - just been signed off with stress so i will finally have a bit of space for a while.

i wish you the best with all your endevours and look forward to seeing your stuff when you have enough room in your mind to write it without it costing you too much. take good care of your self.

KC said...

These are the times I turn to my faith to help me though. For peace and strength and courage and grace.

I hope you can rest and have these things to wrap around you to keep you warm.

Mary-LUE said...

You have had a lot going on. We'll be here when you come back!

flutter said...

Spirit needs what it needs. We love you and want for you, what you want. Be well, sweet girl.

Slackermommy said...

Go take care of yourself girly. We'll be right here waiting for you.

Pippajo said...

I agree with what everyone else has said. You need things to refresh and restore you, not drain you further. Take the time you need. Tend to yourself. Tend to your marriage. Tend to your family. Those are the important things.

We'll miss you terribly, but I, for one, would rather miss a happy, healthy Tabba than be indulged by a sad, tired-out one.

Go. Rest.

PinkPowerSuit.com said...

I don't even really know you but I had a feeling that something was going down. I just felt that something was different.

Hang onto the thought that it won't always be this way.

Blackjack For Fun said...

I think, you will come to the correct decision.