Mind Games

Looking back, I should have known.
Because I've said before that there are times that I just "know" things.
And just about all week, I had this pit of doom in my stomach.
I knew something wasn't right.
I thought it was a million different things: the stress of that hamster-on-a-wheel feeling and being so damned sick of it.
I even went so far as to assign that feeling to what I detected as "problems" between Rav & I.

Looking back, I had deja vu about three times last week.
Surely that is a sign of something.
For, it's one thing to have deja vu once.
But three times in a week is excessive.

Looking back, there was an instance when they were standing next to the pool that I thought, This isn't a good idea today.
But then I just chalked it up to me just being a stick-in-the-mud.

All I can seem to do is look back. And then look forward.
Because the in-between is too scary to look at.
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I woke up at 5:00 a.m. Saturday morning. An hour that is not fit for man or beast.
Instead, it's an hour that found me waking up from a most horrible dream.
A dream that every mother fears to dream.
A dream that consists of me standing on the edge of a pool.
I look down to see Connor completely submerged in the deep end of the pool.
And upon further inspection, Connor is looking up at me from the abyss of the deep end, pleading with me from beneath the surface, with eyes the size of saucers. There is a wild in his eyes I've never seen.
As I take in the look on his face and try to make sense of what I'm seeing, I see Connor's mouth open wide like a whale feeding on krill.
I try to move and I can't.
Something is keeping me from saving my child.
And in this dream everything is dark.
It's almost like looking through a peep hole.
All I can see is my child in the pool. Trying desperately to breathe.
And I am standing next to the pool unable to move.
I wake up, thankfully. Feeling sea sick from such a hellish dream. Relieved from the knowing. The knowing that he is upstairs in his bed. Dreaming of Star Wars characters, Legos, and the Solar System.

And while I realize that it was a dream and I exhale with relief.

Then I remember.
I remember that part of that dream actually happened.

And the more I digest it. The more I see the image in my mind, the bigger it all seems.
And the harder it becomes to wrap my mind around it.