Mind Games

Looking back, I should have known.
Because I've said before that there are times that I just "know" things.
And just about all week, I had this pit of doom in my stomach.
I knew something wasn't right.
I thought it was a million different things: the stress of that hamster-on-a-wheel feeling and being so damned sick of it.
I even went so far as to assign that feeling to what I detected as "problems" between Rav & I.

Looking back, I had deja vu about three times last week.
Surely that is a sign of something.
For, it's one thing to have deja vu once.
But three times in a week is excessive.

Looking back, there was an instance when they were standing next to the pool that I thought, This isn't a good idea today.
But then I just chalked it up to me just being a stick-in-the-mud.

All I can seem to do is look back. And then look forward.
Because the in-between is too scary to look at.
I woke up at 5:00 a.m. Saturday morning. An hour that is not fit for man or beast.
Instead, it's an hour that found me waking up from a most horrible dream.
A dream that every mother fears to dream.
A dream that consists of me standing on the edge of a pool.
I look down to see Connor completely submerged in the deep end of the pool.
And upon further inspection, Connor is looking up at me from the abyss of the deep end, pleading with me from beneath the surface, with eyes the size of saucers. There is a wild in his eyes I've never seen.
As I take in the look on his face and try to make sense of what I'm seeing, I see Connor's mouth open wide like a whale feeding on krill.
I try to move and I can't.
Something is keeping me from saving my child.
And in this dream everything is dark.
It's almost like looking through a peep hole.
All I can see is my child in the pool. Trying desperately to breathe.
And I am standing next to the pool unable to move.
I wake up, thankfully. Feeling sea sick from such a hellish dream. Relieved from the knowing. The knowing that he is upstairs in his bed. Dreaming of Star Wars characters, Legos, and the Solar System.

And while I realize that it was a dream and I exhale with relief.

Then I remember.
I remember that part of that dream actually happened.

And the more I digest it. The more I see the image in my mind, the bigger it all seems.
And the harder it becomes to wrap my mind around it.

13 ripples in the pond:

Mary-LUE said...

It is so crazy scary what you are describing, Tabba. I'm glad you are sharing it here. I hope it will help you to share it. I get a little sick feeling inside as I've read each of these posts. I can't imagine how much more magnified what you are feeling is.

How is Connor doing?

Tabba said...

Mary-lue: he's doing great actually.
He started his summer preschool program, which I think is a great outlet for him right now.

And he got back in the pool after we got discharged from the ER, with his Daddy.....

However, he's back and forth about the pool now.

And he's been very attached to me. He's been very aware of where I am at all times.
Which is unusual for him.
So, I think he's working through it in his own way.

Pgoodness said...

Found you from Jen and I can't even fathom what you are going through. What an absolute nightmare - just reading your words brings tears to my eyes and makes me want to grab my boys and never let them go. I'm glad your little one is doing ok and that he is working through it his own way - what a strong little boy - and mama. Hang in there.

liv said...

You're doing it...one foot in front of the other. I'm so glad everyone is safe!

carrie said...

It will take time to get through this.

Allow yourself that time.

Children are, by far, the most resilient of our species and I am so happy to hear that Connor is getting through this.


thailandchani said...

What a horrifying experience! So glad that Connor got through it okay.. and he seems to be readjusting, not allowing it to paralyze him.

It is going to take some time for you to process this. I hope you don't hurry yourself.



PinkPowerSuit.com said...

Ugh. It's one thing to dream these horrible dreams about our kids but to have it actually happen? I'll have to read further to understand what you're referring to, though I don't really want to. It's not so bad when I know the ending, though.

I started to write just now about a dream that I had but it's too awful to share. No mom wants to hear a Sophie's Choice type dream.

Sweet dreaming, Tabba.

PinkPowerSuit.com said...

Well, it seems like you are going through some rough times right now. I hope you have people around to give really wonderful hugs, if nothing else.

I know what you mean when you say you "know" things. I knew after a few weeks that I'd marry my husband one day. Two years later, after being just friends, we married. I knew I'd have a gifted child who'd look just like my son. Other things too.

Aliki2006 said...

I found you through Jen too and am so sorry you went through all that horror and so thankful it came out okay in the end.

deb said...

"Looking back, I should have known."

You couldn't have known sweetie. Quit beating yourself up. I'm just glad he's okay.

Oh, The Joys said...


Hev said...


Just caught up with you after some time away...


Glad he's ok, glad you're ok.

Thinking about you & I know you'll all get through this. Your & Ravs strength will be Connors strength.

(Oh yes & I agree with the other posts - you really need to lose the 'Girlfriend'/crack whore! - Just Say NO!)

Karen Forest said...

Just reading this post makes my muscles tense up. I can't imagine the horror that still exists in you mind.

I hope you are gradually finding the peace you need.