While talking with one of my girlfriends this morning, it has occured to me that I'm really worn out and worn down.
I don't feel like complaining about it or getting into details. But I will explain where I'm at.
I just realized that lately I have immersed myself in projects, books and even blogging to try to divert my attention from those things that I just don't feel like tending to. But it's time to clean house.
The thing is - that most people don't understand - is that I'm all sunshine and smiles most of the time. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Even when you don't deserve it. I'll make excuses for ill behavior, turn my cheek and look the other way. However, I get my fill. And most people see me when I've had my fill. When I explode.
It's really unfortunate because no matter how many times I do turn the other cheek, bite my tongue or ignore whatever crap you throw at me, people will only choose to remember the times when I've said, "Look, dick. Enough is enough. I'm done." I don't control my anger very well when I get to that point. Let's face it, I'll call a spade a spade. I'm an emotional, passionate person. And when I feel something, I don't just feel it a little. I feel it with every ounce of my being. When I feel like something is worth my emotions, you know it. But if people only want to choose to see one side of me. The side that only pokes it's ugly head out a few times a year, then well, that's your choice. I digress.
I've known that I'm on the verge of combusting for quite a few months now. And I'm trying to keep things reigned in. I'm trying to cope in more healthy, productive ways. I'm trying to only confront those things worth confronting. Man, it's hard. It's hard to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with me. And people who make me feel that way aren't worth my time. But at the same time, there are healthier ways to deal with the things.
I just feel that it's time to, as much as I possibly can, remove the toxic people from my life. You know, the ones that are so miserable, they want to suck every ray of goodness you have left. The ones that are truly life suckers. You leave them feeling drained, sick and questioning why you keep trying. The ones that never dig deep enough to find one nice thing to say. The ones that don't care enough about you (or your family) to respect the choices/decisions you're making as an adult.
Life is too short. I want to enjoy it. I don't want to waste it on those who are wasting their energies in negative ways. I want to share with my children the happy, positive things. I want my kids to feel happiness, to have a positive self-image, to always listen to their inner voice without question.
I'm tired of worrying, trying to fix, trying to change, trying to conform. Always being 'unworthy', uninvited, and undermined. "Go sell crazy somewhere else. We're all stocked up here." I'm me. Take it or leave it.
Here's the thing. I'll respect your negativity. If you just respect me.
About me
- Tabba
- A wife, a mother, a friend. A lover of music, beautiful things, simple things, weighty things, a thinker, a wanderer, a student, and a fiesty fireball. A woman who is all of those things and more. A woman who is trying to matter, and who is trying to leave little more than her footprints behind and a legacy of hope, goodness, and sass behind her in her wake and in the hearts of her two kids. This is just the beginning. Are you ready for the rest of the ride?
20 ripples in the pond:
My Grandmother always said if you keep turning the other cheek, eventually your head will screw off :)
Here's a little something nice I remembered and found while I read your blog. Reading it has always been a balm for my oft-troubled spirit, though it's been years since I've thought of it. So kudos to your blog of reminding me, thought it was the part about 'loud and aggressive persons' that jogged my memory :)
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue
there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial
as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and
loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the
universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep
peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
-- Max Ehrmannn
Aahhh, beautiful. I do try to live as peacefully as possible. But you are good to remind me & 'Desiderate' is balm for my spirit, Jon. Thank you:)
A little possitivity goes a long way, so does a little negativity. Whoa-is-me people don't realise when they complain, though it may be about thenselves, they're spreading negativity to all those around them.
What is unfortunate is that no matter how positively you try to live and how you try to spread your positivity, that negative energy seems to be so much more powerful. It just sucks. It should be the other way around.
don't take this the wrong way, but never have I referred to you as sunshine and light.
the negative people only win if you let them. I would say that life is far too short to waste time on them, waste time on being angry. anger is an evil emotion, it burns up energy, and in most cases is entirely wasted or misdirected energy. Let stupid people do stupid things, your job is to raise you kids, be a good wife, make a life for yourself.
Enjoy life. you only get one shot at this, why would you want to suffer through? do what you have to do. What do you want to get out of all this? focus on that and fuck everythign else.
Life is too short to surround yourself with people who cause you drama, if you have people around you that keep you on the edge all the time. Trust me, I used to do that. ditch, limit contact. Smoke some herb or something, (not that I ever have)mellow out.
it's not healthy to blow up, you're gonna lose an o ring sometime. For me, in the end, it never made anythign better, so I stopped. You'll get there. You just have to make that choice for yourself, and again focus on the things that are important to you, fuck the rest.
My wife does an excellent job at raising our children, at making a life for us, and at being a wife. And we do enjoy life. She has done all of these things while having to deal with her family and our family dynamic. And while, I acknowledge that she may not always make things easy for herself, she certainly has people who don't make things easy for her. She also understands that when the going gets rough, not to cut and run. While you may not think she is "sunshine and light", I disagree. You see, I see her all the time. You do not get a chance to do so. You have seen her when she was placed in an environment where she is not entirely comfortable and there were other factors at play. You know absolutely nothing about her, or where she comes from, and yet you judge her. There are some people, regardless of what they do to you, who you can never "cut out" or limit contact with, at least I can't. I guess some people find it easier than others to "ditch" or "limit contact" with those who bring them down. I'm just not built that way
Don't take this the wrong way, but nowhere in the post did I say, "Marc, do you think I'm sunshine and light?" But thanks for your opinion. It never was a secret.
The thing is, you and your family barely know me or ever took the time to know me. That's ok. So what you see of me, is what I'm returning. It's what I've been given.
Your comment is exactly what I was trying to say. That I'm sick of drama, I'm sick of people bringing me & my family down, etc.
We're all different, Marc. We all react differently to situations and circumstances. I have a hard time totally dismissing people. Negative or not. It doesn't matter if they are family, friends or whatever.
What I also find disturbing is that of all the posts I've done that are light-hearted, amusing (or not amusing at all), or just plain old telling a story, I've never gotten a comment from you. It's until I decide to open up my heart like this, that you decide to post. Like I post like this everyday and you need to call me on it.
The other thing is, I'm strong enough within myself to face those things that are unpleasant. And I put it out there. But that's me. Other people may decide to acknowledge them internally. There's no right or wrong way. I of course, make myself more vulnerable to attack by putting myself out there. But that's the beauty of being me. I'm willing to put it all out there. I have no secrets. I'm not good at hiding how I feel & quite frankly, don't intend to. Like I said in my post, take it or leave it.
I've acknowledged (I even wrote about it) that I'm working on improving how I cope when I want to explode. I'm a work in progress, baby. As we ALL are. The secrets to life and how to respond to every situation hasn't been perfected yet. I'm just trying to be the best person I can be for me, for my babes and my man. In the words of June Carter Cash, "I'm just trying to matter."
I read your comment section on your blog & have come to the conclusion that maybe you're having a bad day. Maybe something or someone has rubbed you the wrong way and you're feeling the need to lash - just as I have felt the need to lash today as well (as evidenced by my post). Maybe not, maybe you can relate to what I'm saying and are trying to empathize. I don't know. There was a reason you posted today and I'm glad you felt like you could come here, read and drop your $.02.
Have a good one, Marc. We see and talk to each other less than I desire and it's a shame that we're connecting like this and not out at Kate's or Deer Park - but whatever.
I hope tomorrow brings us both closer to the people we want to be and closer to peace and happiness.
One more for the road......
I didn't describe myself as sunshine and light but as sunshine and smiles. Again, sorry if you disagree.
Here's something to take with you. Diane read this poem that we chose for our our wedding. I believe it fits perfectly here. I think this is where Bry may be coming from and it sorta describes me/us (bry & I):
I Love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am when I am with you.
I Love you for the part of me you bring out;
I Love You for putting your hand into my heaped up heart
And passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can't help dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked quite far enough to find.
I Love you because you are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.......
hey now kids, I think you are both getting a little ahead of yourselves. My comment was meant to be suporttive of your decision, not a critism. I was impressed with you decision to simplify. My comments were intended to support you, nothing else. Jeeze kids, chill out a bit. Not being sunshine in light was not to slam, but to say that tab always has more weight to her than being a floaty light person. It's okay, you took this entirely the wrong way. Problem solved, I'll avoid this in the future. Read into what you want, I thought you wrote something that meant somethign, and my comment was to support it. I will not travel this blog path again.
WTF!?
respect
m
Wow, how about some drama! I get you girl, I'm the same way. I can only take so much and then I have to release. I've been distancing myself from toxic people and it's amazing how much happier I am. They suck you dry before you realize what they are doing. I could have written the last few sentences of your post. You're doing a good job.
I signed anon because blogger won't let me comment on a non beta blog. Blogger sucks!
Ooops, forgot to sign my name above.
Slackermommy
Fatmarc- reading your post, it did not seem too supportive to me. It seemed pretty condescending. Sorry to sour you to posting comments here, but I'm just tired of feeling like Tabba is being attacked for the way she feels or for expressing her opinions.
I'm sorry too, Marc. But since you won't be back by this way again, I guess this is wasted.
fu bry, you read into it instead of taking it for what it was. Not everyone has an agenda. Sometimes what you read is what it is meant to be. If you look for the worst in people that's what you're going to get. Try looking for the best and maybe you'll be a little happier.
Is the dark side stronger?
'No. Quicker, easier, more seductive. Quick to join you in a FIGHT, but once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.'
But how am I to know the good side from the bad?
'You will know. When you are calm, at peace. Passive. A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defence, never for attack.'
Apparently, some of the "toxic people" in your life are leaving comments on your blog. You think they know how they act and don't want to admit it? I am really glad they know that "your job is to raise you kids, be a good wife, make a life for yourself." I love the way people can be so judgmental and condescending. People should take a good look in the mirror.
Ok, so I typed this big, long thing & it's gone. Take 2.
If I judged Marc's comments too harshly, I apologize. Obviously, I mistook what he said. And there's nothing more for me to say other than I'm an ass who appreciates being told I am.
The true mark of a friend is someone who can call you on your shit and love you anyway.
I appreciate all of the graciousness that has been given to me during this very public hiccup. And have allowed me to very publicly admit my wrong-doing and apologize.
I'm hopelessly flawed. My journey to rid this stuff isn't going to be an easy one. Duh. Even made harder when I don't fully understand others' intentions.
I did not, in my reply, try to be mean, harsh, or disrespectful. But rather continue to explain where I was coming from. And again, for my misunderstanding, I'm sorry.
I cannot delete what was said. Instead it will remain for me to re-read, and learn from my immense stupidity.
Thanks, dear friends, for allowing me to display the vastness of my stupidity and allowing me to apologize.
I am sorry. Truly, truly I am.
When you always get negativity from certain people, what else are you to expect?
aye, 'tis true.
Which is why I was saying I need to change 'me'. Because they will never change. But my whole message has been lost in the ballyhoo and static. Tomorrow is another day. Today has been 'lesson learned' and so much more.
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