10/4/06

Broken

The other day, I sat down to write out on paper something that I wanted to blog about. Bryan read it, thought it was corny, so I scratched that idea. Since then, I have struggled to come up with something to say. I have struggled to sift through the many, many thoughts that are swirling inside of my cranium. They are so jumbled and muddled that I can't put two thoughts together. It's to the point that I don't know where one thought ends and another begins. It is completely and utterly exhausting, exasperating and frustrating. Everything I'm doing to try to quiet my mind, is not helping.
I feel like there is all of this pressure to write about something great. And I can't do it. My blog is filled with fluff. And you want to know why? Because I'm a coward.

I don't think people can handle what I have to say. And not only that, I'll risk sounding negative and bitter. I'll sound harsh. And can you believe that I actually care about what people think? I want to believe that I don't. And to some degree, it is true. But deep down is that young band geek trying desperately, awkwardly, quietly to be heard, understood and accepted.

The other scary thought is: do I even have anything to say? Or am I just a shallow pan of wannabe thoughts and insights? What if all this time, I just thought I had something to say? What if all this time, I just thought I had slightly intelligent thoughts?

What is it I'm lacking? Inspiration? I.Q.? Clarity? Feeling? The ability to effectively sort through thoughts & effectively get them from brain to paper/computer?

Something is amiss. And it has me questioning everything.

I'm afraid I've plunged into an abyss that I can't rescue myself from.

3 ripples in the pond:

Ravioli said...

I would like to point out that you also thought what you wrote was corny. I also told you to just write what you felt and not to try and sugar-coat anything.

Ravioli again said...

One more thought, I love this picture of Grace. For those not in the know, Grace had just emptied an entire box of kleenex in her lap. I told her not to do it again, and as usually happens when I so much as look at her, she broke out in tears and started screaming.

Jon said...

Your life is not 'fluff', and you're not a coward. You've bravely put a lot of yourself out there when you talked about the shooting in PA, your reflections on 9/11, your family, and on other posts. I don't think you'd be happy as one of those 'Agenda Bloggers' anyway, Tabba, so don't beat yourself up for not "writing about something great." You talk about what you feel like talking about, when you feel like talking about it, and I think it's strength that you're not incendiary just for the sake of seeding conflict.

I - for one - like reading whatever you put of yourself online, and if you have a bad day, or if something in the world bugs you, do tell. But only if you think it will help YOU. Cause at the end of the day, that's who this (great) blog should be for :)