I Tried

"When the wind had freed me from the roots that tied me down, now I need them back for comforting" 'I tried' by Matt Costa

It may appear, at times that I cannot let things go. It may seem that I re-hash things that should long be forgotten. I say codswallop. You think those things because you do not know me. If I bring something up again, it is not to keep a fight going or relive something. I bring it up, usually, because I've been trying to reconcile it in this noggin of mine.
I've taken the opportunity to think about it, twist the words around inside of my head, to hear them in different intonation. I tend to recede within myself and see if that particular piece of information fits into context, if it can be applied across the board, if there's any merit or validity, and if it has been worth all of my time or not.

This thought has occured to me: my b-i-l was right. I am not sunshine and smiles. And it was wrong of me to portray myself that way. I am mostly cloudy to partly sunny. And my smiles are only spent on those whom I think may deserve them.

I am introspective, introverted, I am deep, always lost in thought. I try to mask my caverns with moss, flowers and shallow ponds. I try to keep away from the depths that I teeter along on a daily basis. I know that those depths could carry me into madness. I walk that fine line between sane in insane everyday.
I lean toward the sarcastic and the cynical.
The quiet and hopeful.

I long ago wanted to be the girl at the party/bar that everyone flocked to, the one with all of the jokes, the one with the right thing to say at the right time.
I have never been, nor will I ever be that girl.

I have found that because I am always afloat in my cloudy bliss that it gives me leave to appreciate more, the things of beauty, the Gods and Goddesses of Sun, the hopeful things, the lovely things. I have also found that in my caverns I hold feelings that run deep. I feel with my whole body. I feel happiness with my whole self. I lean towards empathy, I am eerily perceptive and can feel strong emotions for a total stranger in need.
I wish, however, that I didn't run from myself for so long. Because I think that I had potential to do some real good, to make some real change. With my mostly cloudy to partly sunny personality. Instead, I listened to people who - didn't really matter - and sold myself short.
Now is the time to feed my depths even further. Which, in turn, will feed my children. To help shape their caverns. And give them the fire that, in me, was put out too early.
I now look at something that I took as a dagger, as a gift. It has made me realize, though I'm not a round peg - or a square peg even - that I may be a little Left of Center.
That is more than o.k.
I enjoy my ability to wrap my mind around many thoughts, to feel for everyone (even those that can't feel for themselves) and to be passionate.
Thank you. I need to remind myself that being all sunshine and all smiles is not always o.k. Clowns are all sunshine and all smiles. And they're freaky.

4 ripples in the pond:

Jon said...

Clowns ARE freaky. Did I ever tell you about the time I dressed up like a clown when I worked at the Acme? Freaky.

Hev said...

Love the pictures!!!

Don't worry, considering that we knew someone who was all the things you've said, its surprising how many of us were never like that!

It's who we are now that is important

J said...

I loved this post. I don't get down very often...I'm a very even keeled kind of person. But I am more cloudy than sunny, more serious and introspective and I don't smile as much as I wish I did. No one will every describe me as a sun that lights up the room, or a force of nature, but they do recognize my empathy, and my heart. I recognize that in you as well.

Tabba said...

It is hard for people to 'get'. And this is unfortunate b/c there is so much more to us than our 'cloud' disposition. I wouldn't say I'm pessimistic - or miserable. Just serious and heartfelt.
I agree - I always wanted to be that ray of sunshine.
But it was just not meant to be. I was blessed with empathy instead. Not too shabby!