I have this mania about stability. Trying to create stability for my kids, for me, for our household, etc. And really, it's a mania. I become completely panic-stricken when I have to change something. Even when it is necessary. I try to remain calm. Most of my life has been ruled by extremes. One end of the spectrum or the other. No happy medium. I've fought against it my whole life and still fight against it - in a maniacal way.
I sat down this morning and wrote down how many times I've moved and growing up, how many schools I went to. It's pretty ridiculous. Obviously, since becoming an 'adult' I haven't moved as much. But I think that this may be the key to my mania.
Growing up, I attended 8 different schools and until the age of 18, I moved 12 times. Moving all of the time, constantly being uprooted (this happened mostly on a turn of a dime) drove me absolutely crazy.
Now being a person who has been ruled by extremes (so much of my personality still is) my response has been to not want to change things. For example, changing an email address, a doctor, an appointment, a phone number, the kids' school, etc. This stuff makes me feel wild inside with instability. I feel like I'm being judged, when reality, it's me doing the judging. I need to get this under control. My desire to keep things stable for my kids is a normal desire. But to feel totally panic-stricken and crazy inside is....mania.
My poor kids. Between my mania and other issues and Bry's OCD, they have no chance in hell of ever being normal.
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